Super significant weekend.
I have been stressed much of the weekend. Struggling w/ anxiety pretty severly, feeling that anxious feeling of doom about everything. Having a hard time not having every single thing trip me up in some way.
I am not sure people understand what that kind of anxiety is like.
It is like everything is a trigger.
I tried explaining it to Jay and that I think was actually a bit of a break.
I explained how even going shopping creates stress due to all the discussions about clothing ruining the world, etc. and I actually believe that and want to do my part. But it’s paralyzing. And then I see everyone around me doing not too much to change it.
But that’s what the big switch was that happened.
I want to see how I don’t need to be God and change everything. I can’t change everything.
This is the time and space I was born into.
I got up in the middle of the night one night and had this epiphany that I’m not just frustrated about what I can’t do, I’m just angry about everything that isn’t right. I want the entire world to be different than it is. I get up on this self-righteous kick about literally everything. I can’t relax and just accept that this is the way the world currently is. I can do what I can do but can not change everything. In fact, much I can’t change, but in some way, I can change everything by contributing a small amount to the overall energy of change in the world which is made up of individuals.
I realized I have been choosing to be angry and depressed about the world itself and my overall frustrations w/everything. I have been mad at how hard life is. I’ve been mad at how life is so not perfect, how messed up our culture is. I want everything to be different and when I see how messed up everything is, I focus completely on that. I don’t have to do that.
Somehow as a One or for whatever reason, I’ve put alot of energy into being angry and resistive to that. That is somehow blocking me moving ahead I can tell.
Embrace and welcome depression. Don’t fight it or get angry.
Make rainbow art from ribbons with black as one of the colors.
Continue to connect with the reality and suffering of others.
Listen to Rich Roll on blooming late.
Think about all your friends doing midlife changes: I can do this. Stop being angry and keep working and be willing to learn and not have all the answers.
These were all random thoughts as my stomach kept waking me up.
Last week, I spent a ton of time on all the wedding stuff.
I dove back into all that after a hiatus due to various events.
Tonight, I went back to the albums and just feel different.
I feel when I did my meditation this morning, something broke or snapped or healed.
I feel much more balanced toward the kids. I don’t feel as needy. I am starting to have my own sense of boundaries and needs.
When we were talking about hanging out at the kid’s house for TG, I realized I didn’t want to stay more than three days. That was interesting. I feel a finite sense of desire to all be together. That is crazy compared to where I was last week, crying while making the albums.
This morning the meditation was really geared toward having compassion for others and extending out to the suffering of others while also connecting to your own body and your own suffering.
Something really big broke in me during that time. I felt myself relax and felt more connected to my body. I felt more connected to the larger world and it made my place in it and my anxieties feel somehow diminished. Somehow I just felt like a few big things clicked into place. Somehow going back to the wedding things, it feels more in perspective and less like everything.
I am ready to have my own life and not be reliving the past. The wedding in a way for me represented the culmination and celebration fo a way of life that we worked very, very hard to craft in a culture that pushed us toward individuality. So it feels big to me beyond even the significance of the event itself as the marriage of the kids.
So those are some big thoughts and want to pursue them even further in the months ahead.
I feel calmer. I don’t want to be distracted on my phone. I feel connected back to myself and my life. Big stuff.