Over these past four years, I've purposefully pursued change, even beyond the sort of the normal obsession with change that One's have.
There are changes occurring due to therapy, and additional lifestyle changes that will be up to me.
These are things that are changing due to recovery and almost feel as if I'm not doing anything. And by that, when I feel less anxious, I realize it's a result of something that's happening in therapy and outside therapy that's working, but I always know exactly what it is, perse.
- Less hypervigilant. Just, not that triggered by things.
- Less anxious. My overall posture toward people and events feels less codependent and anxious. I feel the room to be more grateful.
- Less depressed.
- Calmer.
I've known I haven't been healthy for a long, long time. One of my survival strategies has been to avoid some of the basic responsibilities most healthy adults accept. Somehow, they've helped my mind feel less overheated by the high amount of anxiety I dealt with daily.
Now with that diminishing, I'm having to say good-bye to old habits that kept me going but didn't really make me healthy. Maybe I need a party for my Old Self as my True Self emerges.
- Sleep. Staying up late, reading, starting new projects, getting sudden 'bursts' of energy (a classic adrenal fatigue sign), TV and surfing, these are all pretty engrained habits. It's all changing and I am viewing sleep and getting to bed earlier differently.
- Accepting responsibility: Refusing to be completely responsible or reliable always gave me a small thrill. This is completely irrational, but it's irrational that a child would be sexually abused. I never wanted anyone or anything to have any control over me and even something as simple as showing up on time, it was my way of saying to the world, I'm still in charge; no one tells me what to do or when. My True Self understands how destructive that is to myself, not to mention others.
- Reduced shopping: As I look around my house, I see sort of an inability to understand scale. For example, I went to a conference in 2017 where someone I respected was selling their personal library of over 3000 books. It would have been wonderful to come home with 1-2 that really spoke to me; I came home with a box of books. I have glanced at a few, haven't fully read any of them. I still don't even fully understand what that's about, but it's been a theme in my life. So the willingness to limit urges and live within boundaries.
- Food: Food, food, food. I've let myself believe that snacking is fine, overeating is fine, that I'm stressed and this takes a little pressure off. Food is nutrition, and it's a bonus if we also enjoy it. Using food to meet deeper unmet needs sets you up for all kinds of unpleasant situations, especially long-term. I find my interest in food has shifted. With a routine and predictable food around, set meals and amounts, my anxiety about having enough food has gone down. I'm also more interested in cooking and shopping well.