I don’t know what the combo is.
Was it the melatonin I took for a week that I stopped last night just because?
The meditation session yesterday and my body speaking to my mind again during the night about how I continue to want to be angry at the world and find ways to stay angry?
I just know I feel different today in massively different ways.
I have less anxiety and less stress. My mind is incredibly clear and less bumbly. I haven’t been forgetful and deranged and finding myself coming and going.
This afternoon, I actually went to visit my parents and left being pretty okay even though they definitely are not.
The phrase that went through my mind was, “This is life. This is it. This is life. These things happen. People get old and confused and have dementia and you show up for it but often, you can’t do anything at all. Not one thing. And the things you do choose to do might be helpful or even significantly helpful but often, they won’t make the not so good or bad thing completely stop. And that is in fact life.”
I just had this weird blissed out feeling all day today, like this balance between being involved and doing my part to help in all these areas I’m in, but then being done and knowing there wasn’t anything else I could do. And then just being okay with it all and moving in and out w/o incredible stress. Weird detachment without anger. So not this angry boundary setting but just doing my part then moving on. Kindness w/o the needy emotion and boundaries without anger.
One thing that really clued me in is I am packing for a big business trip tomorrow, and I’m usually really anxious. I’m not just not this evening. That was like, “Okay this really is different.”
Now it could be the vitamins I’m taking which I’m fine w/ giving that all the credit.
But this revelation about how angry I’ve been at the unfairness of life and refusing to see all the good that is in fact happening in the world… something really snapped in my head and some barrier to another cool highway in my brain got broken down.
One friend tonight was talking about her enmeshed family, mom, brother and step-dad, all now living together out on a ranch/compound in Eastern Washington. She has given them a ton of help and talked them through multiple situations, but they just literally keep fucking things up. She said, “I’m just waiting it out.” I just loved that. What brilliance. Waiting it out. Not checked out, and not enmeshed but wow, just settling back for the show.
There’s a lot there.
I have smart friends.
So I’m waiting it out too but also engaged and trying to connect more now with the suffering of others but not in a co-dependent way. The Headspace talks have been great on that lately, reaching out with compassion to the suffering of others, realizing you can’t fix it but you can be present.
Finally, I’m inspired by JVN. I am not sure why right now, but a man obviously a man frequently dressing in women’s clothing, it just rocks. It’s not cross-dressing; it’s just, hey, I like this for today and going to dress like this right now and talk openly about his life. I love that’s he’s not trying to be a woman for some reason though that’s cool too. He’s a guy that is dressing in women’s clothing or women’s clothing designed for him.
I have much to learn about my own sexuality and I guess he inspires me.