I have accepted that there probably will never be a day in the future when the condition of my family of origin won’t bring me to tears.
The Headspace meditations on stress discuss this. The practice isn’t about getting rid of stress; it’s about knowing what to do when it happens as well as living in a generally more stress-free posture.
I saw something the other day about a family that was together and conversing across a group that were from all generations. It made me sad.
That sadness has stayed with me through several days this week.
Now that my reactivity is under control, I am feeling emotions like that.
So now it’s up to me to know what to do with that, to not turn it to anger toward my parents or whomever, just feel it and then move on. It doesn’t do any good to let the anger grow from the pain. It’s been a horrible little plant to nurture and manage. It doesn’t produce any fruit and fills everything with weeds.
So I accept now that there will always be some pain in my future, hopefully not as much as the past, and when it comes, I’ll deal with it. I won’t run away and it won’t devastate me.
*****
What a weird day.
I’m pretty stressed about doing this inside sales training. I feel like I’m faking it and hoping no one really notices. It’s terrifying.
I’m starting to be able to appreciate all Jay’s doing more than I have in the past. I was going to write that he’s amazing and awesome and perfect and then I remembered letters my mom wrote to her parents about my dad and said similar things.
The reality is, it’s been really ugly. There’s been benefit from our company and a lot of pain. So it’s both.
Jay is talented and a hard worker, but it’s also kind of an insane proposition, what we’re doing. So yeah, I am proud but also often scared.
There were a few personnel issues today that got me somewhat triggered. I had to use some tools and remember that I can control my stress. On some things, I have to think, “Oh I think that’s a you problem.”
So I’m not going to memorialize Jay like so many Christian women are trained to do. Sort of this fawning weird thing about being supportive, like he’s weak w/o it. I honestly still can’t believe all the shit I believed and read about and even promoted. Bleh.
But for me today, it’s been interesting to experiment with just trying tools in the face of stress, not get triggered and especially, not get mad at Jay.
This business has so triggered me before. I am ready to be happy regardless, to love regardless. To just be happy to be with Jay. To not be wildly okay w/ every single thing, but to not be angry and scared and mad.
Kay talks about reaching for something higher on the emotional scale.
I want that. I want to love Jay and just be happy together, not stressed. The business is his life in many ways, and that’s okay. I don’t have to fight it.
I need to find other things that also mean a lot to me.
But this week, I’m learning to release the anger and be grateful for the good. To let it all be, to try and stand above and beyond it. To not let my ego mind control how I feel about all this.
For so long, I’ve been incapacitated w/ my own worry and anger. I’m tired of that, so tired.
I don’t fully understand yet how all this works in my mind, but I know it’s an interesting switch to just be choosing to be happier and to just not talk negatively. I am not always saying negative things and reflecting on only the negative. It’s really nice and that’s a choice I’m making. It feels like everything.
So for today, it’s pretty cool to feel closer to Jay regardless, to be proud of what we’ve accomplished, to just keep going. All of this is life and accepting it all makes sense, feels good
I want to do more and be more creative, hoping that will come. But as I slowly ramp that up, this is the most important thing.
*****
We’re watching Crashing and I keep getting triggered. The language especially of his parents, the boundary-crossing, the evangelical indoctrination, and brain-washing. It’s still shocking. So it’s good to see it, process and move on, knowing I can continue to have a good life going forward, that I’m making changes.
I’m proud of what I’ve done to heal and recover, to get out so to speak. I wonder if that’ll be something I do to help others. Who knows… I’m ready to get my hands dirty and just relax and enjoy life. God, self, divine, please help this business stabilize and give us both strength. I need it.
Also very low pain today. Just amazing. The doc yesterday thought the reason this got chronic has to do w/ aging and the accident. Just lovely to not be in pain. So amazing.