I talked to my buddy on Sunday morning and again another this evening.
I realized this evening that the three of us have all been doing deep, spiritual work on how to handle harder relationships and situations with people.
What we’ve all come to realize are these nuggets, hard-earned:
Physical space: You have to have boundaries. Boundaries are the starting point. Actual physical separation and a limiting of time with the person or people.
Perspective shift: Consider their side of this story. Put yourself in their shoes. Accept that they do not have the ability to handle it better than they are. Accept they are not as healthy as you’d like. They don’t have to be a villain. Making them a villain creates a connection between you both. Review #1 again.
Safety: Do you feel safe? Are there other people involved that need to be supporting you? Do you feel the boundaries you’ve set are being received? Are you being believed or gaslighted? Get support. Confirm it.
Choose to believe: You can set boundaries. You get to can change your attitude toward someone that’s hurt you. You can be safe. You can believe the people around you who support and love you.
This has made all the difference for me, especially in going through these new bio connections my husband is making. He is all-in, and this is really important to him. I don’t want to have much to do with it. It’s his journey, much like time spent with my aunt in SF has been largely my journey. I know one of his bio relatives might like more from me, but it’s been amazing to set boundaries.
There were two family dinners this week already with other people related to these bio relatives and to some degree, Jay. I declined going to either.
I’ve been doing this song and dance for decades with all the relatives in all these families here, from my mom and her side to my dad’s side and then all the sides of Jay’s adoptive family, out both sides w/ those parents, etc. I’m done. I’ve done more than I should and I feel the weight of the loss of too much helping and caring and not enough for me. So I’m just not interested in knowing more people I don’t want to see again. Jay doesn’t need me and if it annoys his bio relative I’m not there, then I say to myself: If everyone around you is happy with you, you’ve conceded much. I don’t want to keep conceding my life to others.
These are hard lines when you’re a caring person. It’s hard to know when to stop caring for others and just focus on yourself. Many never get the chance. If there’s a reason for birth control, this is it. Boundaries with whether you want kids or not and how many, amen!?
It feels amazing to be going through this with less reactivity and more openness, less need to control or question and more love and acceptance even as people do and say shit that triggers me. I can just let them be and know I’m safe.
I really needed Jay to be there for me and to confirm and affirm that we’re married. We’re a family. This other relative isn’t going to replace that. It’s just been a lot all at once, and I’ll be glad when it settles down.