In Seattle with Jay and the fam. Yesterday had bfast w/ bio mom and the kids plus the new son-in-law. Today she mentioned being nervous about the meeting.
Today I felt overwhelmed by it all. The impact and thought that she’s now in our inner circle of the family has overwhelmed me plus I’m just tired and not getting down time. The social load of all this and being kind and polite with this new person that’s just tagging along is intense.
I’m also having a ton of pain. WTF? I have no idea why all this pain came about right now. It’s been really, really hard. I’m having to ration my pain pills and borrowed some from El which feels awful.
We had fun today going to a local game store that you can eat and also play games and buy games and things. That was the best I felt all day.
I don’t know how this is going to go in the future. I can’t worry, just take it one day at a time. Worry is about the future and I can handle the future. I can set boundaries. I can be loving and honest with Jay without making him angry or myself feeling defensive.
I told Jay earlier that it felt like when you have a baby and you can’t imagine loving another baby more than that. Then you have a second baby and realize your heart can expand. I thought this is how I felt about Jay’s bio mom.
Now I’m realizing that’s not a totally accurate analogy.
This is hard. It’s hard to share our close family time with someone else that’s essentially a stranger. It’s tiring. It isn’t as relaxed as we would be.
Playing games was okay because it was just something you’d do with anyone and is easy. So that was good.
I don’t know. I was really a mess this afternoon. This eve was better. I prayed. I tried to be open to what is happening and not resist. I am concerned about a whole week next week as well with all this and the social strain.
My small, nuclear family that I have with Jay and the girls and now Bee is the safest place i feel. It’s where i feel most relaxed and most loved. I don’t think that is going to be challenging, but it has shaken me.
It is an important relationship for Jay, that much I know. I don’t know how much interest the girls have. I want to be kind without feeling we are exposed and being taken over by someone. The other grandparents in their lives aren’t going on trips with us, doing tons of stuff, etc.
Jay understands I feel exhausted by all I’ve done over the years. He feels loyal to us. I am strong and can be honest. I don’t know that i want to really talk about it with her.
When we were at lunch, she was talking with her friend that was there who had been a foster licensing social worker as had Jay’s mom. In the course of conversation, the discussion about how to navigate all this had been discussed. She mentioned how to handle that her granddaughters already have grandmothers and then said, “Piper already has a mother-in-law, but now has another and that’s the way it is.” Something like that, like, too bad, you have another mother-in-law now. That didn’t go well with me.
So we’ll see. I don’t have to feel unsafe. I am strong. I am kind. I am loving. And this is yet another complicated family situation to navigate. God, please direct my true self to know what is right to do. Help me drop out of my ego and listen to my true self and God within and part of me.
I’m a good person. I can be that good person in the midst of this.
This has also given me more compassion for Jay’s adoptive mother and confirmed our decision not to tell her about Jay’s contact with his bio mom. It’s really hard stuff.