The end of a flare-up period feels a bit like that week after New Years.
Looking around, it’s obvious something significant happened. Wrapping paper still crumpled behind chairs, candle wax overflowing holders, lights drooping from windows, a tree leaning in an empty holder. It’s time to take it all down for next year.
Today is the first day I haven’t had some kind of medicine since July 3rd. There are pill and medicine bottles all over the kitchen. Empty pharmacy bags, receipts, plastic from the top of bottles strewn in clear, broken half-circles. Something obviously happened here too.
I feel deeply grateful for all the providers and my ability to have access to them during the month of July. During that time, I saw 3 separate providers 7 times including 3 trips to the pharmacy.
At the same time, today my gratitude feels tempered by exhaustion. I feel like I just fought another battle for my body, with my body.
Tomorrow, I’ll start putting things away and taking notes on what happened different this time to remember for the next one. This one lasted longer than most, a trend that makes me nervous. I lost the month of July essentially and feel skittish and hesitant for August.
I feel stronger though in general and hope to conquer some of the fears that have developed over the decades about sick and weak in general. The acupuncturist helped me with my stress and mental attitude today with a good treatment and options for new guided meditations. I’m interested in diving into that.
I hope I can gain more confidence in the years ahead. I feel mostly now like a survivor. I don’t feel the confidence to pursue health yet. I mainly troubleshoot and go from one crisis to the next. It’d be nice to get ahead of the game and get stronger, feel stronger, feel like I might have more control over my body and my destiny.
I will keep on the path that I’m on and rest in being alive another day on this miraculous planet. Existence is trippy and I am deeply grateful to look at stars and still find hope.