I am depressed this weekend.
I finally quit fighting it while at the beach. It’s always so fun to be depressed at the beach.
I realized it and then accepted it. That was strangely liberating and then a slow shift started to happen. Some anxiety about being depressed diminished, and I stopped trying to be anything other than depressed. I just accepted it like an old friend and stopped fighting it.
It helped to do the curious observer stance and go, oh, we’ve been here before. Let’s just accept it and do a few things on the list we know are helpful now that we know we’re depressed.
When I came home, I had gone to the store and bought things. I put all the things away, I unloaded and loaded the dishwasher and wrote in my journal. I did a little crossword action. I’m going to bed early.
This felt all pretty amazing and gave me some hope for tomorrow and maybe coming out of this sooner than later.
*****
The feeling of numbness continued today but the depression mostly lifted.
It’s strange to be testing out learning about myself and how to now change behaviors.
Today I chose to not overhelp at the store by going up to someone that needed help. I chose to not overtext to my brother when he asked me a question. My texts are often too long and way too much info. I think sometimes I’m just too much for people and myself even. My focus is always on what can I do for others and not for what i’m doing in that moment. I’m programmed for an outward focus, not inward.
I really think this came from my childhood conditioning as well as church conditioning. When I think about what we know about Jesus life on earth, he had boundaries and did fun things. He went to weddings and turned water to wine. He took breaks and went off by himself when people around him still needed healing and “salvation.” In fact, Jesus didn’t seem to possess half the religious zeal to save everyone that people today insist upon.
He seemed more about teaching and encouraging people to change how they were living today, that day, in the moment. Changing how they acted and what they believed, he knew, would change them, change how they felt and viewed their lives.
He didn’t come to demand worship. He spent most of his time modeling a new way to live and teaching about it. Then, he died for all that.
What good is it to follow someone and not change? What good is a guru that doesn’t love and teach you to love?
So this weekend, I went from a lot of depression and an intense evening w/ Jay on Friday to numb but happy-ish today.
I am going to keep wrestling w/ what is next for me in my life and career. I’ve been somewhat stalled out for about three years now, still working though steadily part-time for the office. The business seems important to focus on and to not let my part die or give to someone. I’m mainly copy-editing and doing a good job at it.
Tonight at AlAnon we talked about perfectionism. What does that look like and how guilt plays a role.
So that’s a huge thing to remember and consider. Kay has talked about this before and I can see how this has evolved in my life.
I started compulsively cleaning for my parents, and it grew from there.
My hyper-focus on everyone else’s happiness has made it so there’s no time for me.
How do I get that back and feel good about it? I sure felt good about taking care of myself last year for KT’s wedding.
My priorities are slowly shifting as I realize how much now of these behavior changes will be up to me. This weekend, I changed to wanting the depression to fade away and I made that happen.