We’re back at the hotel we stayed in two weeks ago when my pelvis started to fall apart and things went completely sideways w/ Jay’s bio mom.
I remember walking around the parking lot and down side streets talking to my friend from San Diego, trying to calm down, trying to figure out a game plan to survive her visit.
Today, I note it all with interest and mostly, gratefulness. There have been a few pangs of concern, a few pangs of fear, mostly about Jay’s relationship w/ his bio mom.
I don’t feel fear of her taking over our family like I did when she was here. I am done w/ her visit, and we got through it like I decided I would and we would when she we were all here and still had the week ahead of us back home to face.
What’s the difference?
Years ago, and even not that long ago, I would be obsessing over all of this still. I wouldn’t have moved on. I would be locked in the past as if it was today. My brain has been so sick, so traumatized. I couldn’t get over something if I would get triggered. It’s like my brain would trigger all the past hurts and memories and tell me that regardless of what happens, even if it seems the threat is over, I still feel like it’s happening now, in real-time, over and over.
These are such immense changes. What’s the price on changing your brain? I just can’t believe the difference.
So yeah, just that. Just being someplace that has a lot of bad memories from a short time ago and deciding to reclaim it for my own. For not being angry. For letting go. For living life today and not for yesterday.
Being present often means you’re going to have to get good at forgiving and forgetting, yourself and others.
Sometimes that’s a hard choice.
More often than not, it doesn’t have to be.
Freedom isn’t free. I exerted some energy to make things better and to make the present a possibility.
No price on the difference.