Serenity.

Some confidence in who I am in the face of others who pursue other paths.

I’ve been so massively insecure for so long, it’s been hard for me to let people’s stars shine around me without feeling threatened.

I have many friends around me that shine brightly, some in ways that affirm and enlighten me, others it isn’t who I am.

I have so many things I want to do. I feel I’ve been in a backwater in some ways, waiting for life to begin. That’s not accurate as I’ve been doing good work this whole time, just with a lot of emotional and physical pain in the midst. It has felt like I haven’t gone forward, but I wonder what it’d feel like to not have children? How would I feel w/ a brilliant career and no family? Just me and Jay and probably a few more animals. Then how successful would I feel?

I need to stop the comparing though it’s hard at times when I have a few friends who really push the accomplishment envelope. That’s their jam, they have the talent and their areas of expertise are public. It appears they are more successful.

That doesn’t sit well w/ me, but maybe it’s because I’m jealous. Maybe I wish it was me that had the notoriety. Maybe I wish I had more discipline.