So, lots of crying today.
I was not kind to Jay yesterday afternoon in the car. I way overreacted when he used a behavior he’s done many times in the past that has made me feel like he isn’t listening to me. It’s a habit or thing he does that’s unintentional, and I have similar things I do that I haven’t focused on.
This will be good to have some time to work through this and therapy was really good on this topic. However, I’m just exhausted and feel sort of like a wreck. It just feels like I go forward then go backward. I don’t want to have a pity party for myself, but I’m tired.
I went running this am and that was amazing.
I made more bamboo trellises and that’s therapeutic. I’ve figured out that if you soak the twine in water, it really holds the knots a lot tighter. I read that somewhere or just figured it out, I don’t know.
I went to work and had company lunch then did a little work. Then I was going to visit mom but the stomach has been off so just stayed home. I’m really glad I did. I didn’t have the energy to be with them. I did some work on the photo album binders. I bought a stencil years ago to put the years on the backs and finally did some of those. Watched HP of course while doing it. My goal was to just relax and be good to myself.
I’m a One so I’m always on the go. I’m always finding things to fix or keep going with things. It’s hard for me to stay still.
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Yesterday someone I follow online that’s an artist commented on my Palouse photos. She said she’d like to pain them 😳That was incredible to me. She said, “You have a great eye.” Blubber, blubber… I needed that positive feedback.
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Another friend texted this today: “Look what Tim did with the baseball mitt we gave him for eight-grade graduation. Thought of that idea because of how much he loved playing catch when we were all at that party you had last summer. Thanks for sharing that experience with us and bringing people together!”
I feel like I have NUGGETS of gold to share w/ the world. I don’t know how to contain them all, describe them all, tell the world about how important these things all are. I don’t know how to do it without bragging. I feel it’s slipping away, this way of life and living and the goodness. I actually DID ask them to come to this type of party because I knew they’d love it, and they needed those experiences and their parents weren’t providing it although they’re leading a church. So that’s this horrible rub… and tension… I see so much religion that isn’t human or humane, especially for families and human development. Can we please talk about human development? PLEASE?!!!
I’m going to bed now after I do a little more compulsive organizing and playing with fabric even though I’m tired.
I love you Jay and I will keep trying. I’m tired. I’ve been selfish and I’ve been wounded and that sounds like a song.
Also, my kind of mean aunt called today and she was very glad I’d sent her a card w/ the info she needed to get ahold of my mom. She called and left a message and she kindof scares me. So I sent her a card w/ the info she needed in hopes we wouldn’t have to talk on the phone. She is alone more now and scared I think as she shattered her hip in February. So her kids, my cousins, have been doing some of what I’ve been doing. We’re not talking about it which is sad but just how it often goes it seems.
I was glad she called, I’m glad I was kind and sent her a card. I hope I can be more kind to Jay.