Finished up the 10-day Managing Anger pack in Headspace.
The focus was on viewing anger and witnessing it objectively and not letting your mind get wrapped up in it. We let it go and don’t hold ourselves in a dark light because we “got” angry.
We also feel more connected to others realizing that getting angry is a normal part of life. You get angry. You have feelings of outrage. Everyone does. You’re not alone. So you create a greater feeling of connection with others in the process while also giving yourself some grace.
This is a very different approach to viewing anger and makes more sense for my mind and the integrity of my soul. Church tells you you’ve sinned. I feel bad for these well-meaning pastors, way in over their heads w/ all this. Anger presents as a complex emotion. Sometimes it is in fact an irrational trigger. Sometimes it’s the exact emotion you should be feeling. Whatever the reason, it’s not an emotion you want to run your engine on.
This was my second time through this particular series. They say three times through, you have the basic concepts mastered and laid down more effectively. So one more time through for me.
*****
I feel completely wiped out this morning. Like, zero energy.
I got three hours sleep two nights ago. I confirmed yesterday I have ADHD and had a deep counseling session. I should go see my mom today but too tired. Class ended so I’m officially out of school. Yeah, I’m tired. Wiped.
So I’m sitting here typing away, thinking of the next thing for the day, wondering about my next steps in life and the projects I had lined out for the summer. I’m excited to start them next week, but want some time off. I’d love to go hiking this weekend and go back to the venue where the kids had their wedding. Up in the mountains.
It’s time to go to the mountain.
*****
Feeling pretty discouraged tonight while heading to bed. I’m exhausted from the session w/ Kay and from just starting to process this possible diagnosis of ADHD. I feel overwhelmed.
I got really triggered by Jay this evening as well. He did a jumping segment in a conversation on a really sensitive topic. I immediately jumped on him and got angry. It was really awful.
I’m really tired. I’m worn out from the family stuff, my issues, Jay’s issues, trying to grow while also maintain these relationships. I’m just worn out. Jay is really, really worn out. Everyone at group tonight was tired and I think the sudden heat is sapping a lot of people.
But yeah, I feel sort of numb tonight and tired and discouraged. I don’t want to go toward feeling bad about myself, but I feel bad about myself.
One thing Kay said about our issues is that we often get the most frustrated by what is mirrored that we do in our partner. So when Jay jumps around and is distracted, it could be me doing the same thing and not acknowledging that I do the same sort of things, just in a different way.
It’s a privilege to even be able to work through these things in a peaceful country as i think of what is happening in Sudan right now. But this is my world and my life, and I have to face it all.
I’m tired. I feel the weight of another thing to learn and deal with. Yeah. All that.