This morning, I slept in due to staying up late doing bills and such. I also didn’t feel great all weekend.
And possibly drank too much.
I’ve gained weight and not sure quite how other than I’m just eating and drinking more than my activity level permits. I can feel it in places, in how I move and what rubs where. It’s weird to talk about weight like that as I don’t like to focus on it.
I’m thinking of it due to the body changes, but also looking at how I view food. I’ve had few things to help w/ some of my stress and as I get healthier, I realize I’ve used food, even small amounts, as a soother.
Time for that to change.
I haven’t had significant body pain the last few days. It’s a very new feeling. It's affecting my mood greatly, in a positive way. I got a significant amount done today around the house, garden and paperwork chores related to Mom and my own health settlement.
What could it be like to be in a maintenance mode w/ my health, to get to and have to face life head-on w/o that impediment.
I’ve seen and also experienced firsthand what it’s like when you don’t have something to manage that’s draining your energy. Now I’ll have more responsibility with my time once again, or maybe, really for the first time w/o the drain of hypervigilance from PTSD.
It’d be hard to overstate how new this all is for me. To not feel anxious. To accept each day. To feel situations come in and out of my life w/o a big disruption or reaction. To feel ripples but not tidal waves. To feel connected to the earth. To be getting into routines and not feel anxiety about that.
I’m excited to see what’s ahead. I feel energized after a weekend w/ friends and family where there was some tension for me and seeing how my body and mind responds now to those situations. Not triggered, able to be grateful for what I have and also have boundaries. No desire to focus on it, just moving on and doing what is right and nothing more.
All in all, good changes now and good changes ahead.
Probably the one really hard part of the day was talking with a friend whose wife has Parkinson’s. She’s had some kind of break and has been hallucinating as well as having severe anxiety and sleep issues. Her quality of life is so diminished. I hate to see her suffering and for the pain to continue day after day. She’s now in a group home and I hope to go visit her. It’s just incredibly sad and tragic.