I did a long photo shoot this morning, had lunch, went on a brisk walk and now working again.
It feels really strange and really great to be healthy.
But did I mention strange?
It means letting go of the little things I used to do to make it through a day: a snack, a quick video, a quick nap, lots of time on my phone, zoning out in general, writing letters or doing a little shopping. I basically lived from one distraction to another with small amounts of productivity in between.
I largely didn’t feel I could survive my life very well. I was often in physical pain and always in some form of anxiety and depression. The sensation of fight or flight permeated most days in some form or another. I was usually exhausted by the end of most days and overall, under the weather and struggling. Surviving, not thriving.
*****
Jay and I talked tonight about what to do when his bio mom comes to town. Will she stay with us? Some friends? Will we stay where she is visiting someone else in a nearby city?
He asked a lot of questions that were massively triggering. It was like talking with someone again that has no awareness. He was asking if she could stay with friends of ours and started listing off a bunch of people.
I had to patiently explain why that wouldn’t work on so many levels.
Then I felt myself start to get that closed in feeling and was like, wow, I’m getting triggered.
It brought it all back from our years working together when he had no clue what was going on. He was so unaware on so many levels. For years and years I stepped in and took over or helped out or did stuff behind the scenes. He just floundered along and often hurt people and was insensitive. I tried many times to explain his way of going about leading and generating conversation was hurtful and confusing.
He said he was really hurting too.
I don’t have very much empathy I guess. I just feel really triggered by it all.
I think I wonder if it’s still in me somehow and when will it be gone.
I think when he does things like this, it makes me feel like this is still him. That he still really doesn’t get a lot of basic things.
It’s not really that fun. It’s not interesting to be around someone like this.
I’m glad it’s reduced quite a bit but it’s a bummer.
It hasn’t happened in a while. I’m not wanting to hold on to what was more our normal life but we haven’t processed this in any way at all.
I don’t know what that will look like.
Some days I wonder if I’ll ever really get better.
When something like this happens, it makes me realize how damaged my way of processing life is. I just have a brain where all my thinking and processing goes through a maze of neural pathways that weren’t meant to be there. They were laid down by trauma and by unhealthy situations and relationships that occured over decades.
That’s where the distractions have come in. They’ve helped me somewhat disconnected from reality and also, not be too connected with the shit going down in the moment.
I feel tired tonight. I’m sad. I’m sad this is still how I am looking at reality and get yanked by reality.