So yeah, I’m broken.
There are parts of me that were broken long before I became an adult.
My traumatized brain stopped developing healthfully and began to shape and form the way a traumatized brain does.
I just read an article about Elon Musk and how he has always read voraciously, up to two books a day by his brother’s estimation. He’s a polymath. He absorbs things across spectrums.
What do I want in my life at this point?
Jay and I both realize we have missed our best potential due to our injuries, our wounds, our traumas. What do we do with that? How do we move ahead and make our lives better, make the world better? How do we keep growing beyond our pain?
So I got triggered yesterday and yesterday evening, spent the time working and then smoked and wrote.
I want to forgive and move on. I don’t want to hold grudges, but I don’t fully know what this means in terms of how my brain and body reacts. I can’t ignore all these years of pain. People usually just quit and move on. I haven’t wanted to do that.
Reading all this stuff about Elon Musk, I realized I want to be an entrepreneur of relationships, community and trauma. How do you do all this together and make it? How do you not quit people? How do you not quit on yourself and others who’ve hurt you? How do you know? What are holy grails and when do you call it all off?
I want to pull this out of the realm of pastors and preachers and psychologists and sociologists and somehow, make people experts in all this, make myself an expert, so we can hack ourselves and live good lives that are more fulfilling, less trauma-filled and more hopeful.
I am willing to keep hacking myself as I’m able.
*****
I talked to an attorney’s office today about the car accident settlement. I found myself crying after I got off the phone.
The accident destabilized my hips and pelvis and created new issues I’d never had before. It sent me deeper into my depression and made recovery harder. I felt weak and unable to keep getting healthy. It’s only been in the last few months that I’ve taken up yoga and been on a better schedule.
There are old messages about how God works all things together and somehow, that makes me angry. It makes it worse, like God allowed this and basically doesn’t care.
I’m working in the garden and just trying to make small progress, small steps. I could sit around and watch TV all day or do a little day drinking or whatever. None of that will make me feel any better. I don’t need to rest; I need things to get better and keep moving forward.
I’m fascinated with what humans need to survive. I just ordered a book my therapist friend recommended years ago called The Irreducible Needs of Children. I’m eager to keep digging into what the basics are that humans need and maybe backmapping from there will give me more clarity on direction for next steps in my life.
*****
Finally some fun!
Volume Festival this weekend. Met up with some friends spur of the moment… actual friends doing fun stuff. So tired of being isolated and alone and bored w/ our white life. That sounds awful but yeah, that’s how I see it.
But then, mostly I’m grateful and try to live there.