I woke up this morning and something felt different.
I didn’t feel stressed. I didn’t feel anxious. I felt like I had crossed some line during the night, something that made me feel like I might be able to do this thing.
I felt like I wasn’t unstable. I didn’t feel at a loss of what to do when I got up. I have routines and some things that make sense that I just do and don’t think about it. I am responsible and get stuff done. I wasn’t in physical pain. I didn’t feel confused or anxious.
It was remarkable. It made whatever else I did that day feel great.
I did a photo shoot that definitely had some stress, but I pulled it off.
My aunt is not doing well. She’s still back in the hospital, but now she is in even worse shape. She wants to go home but has to make changes or she’ll fall again. It’s pretty much a mess and she’s in pain again.
I had to think about that in terms of where I’m at. I’ve been helped by her and by Jay and people who haven’t abandoned me when my life has been a mess. I don’t want to do that to her.
However, I can’t go down and help her out really at this point. She will need professional care. I might be able to help with the stairway chair. I don’t know. I just realized I can’t really go down and get super involved. I haven’t really fully recovered from the situation I just went through with my parents, and there is still considerable ongoing work related to that. I can’t be someone she leans on daily like her friend there who won’t be as available soon either due to having a baby and possible surgery.
So, it looks like she’ll need resources that I think are covered by health insurance to some degree but not sure.
I am just taking it one day at a time. Tomorrow I’m not flying to SF. Not the day after that either. That’s good. I feel so bad for her. I hope this isn’t the beginning of a big transition. She doesn’t want to do that.
I need to have compassion and try and put myself in her shoes. I don’t want to judge or do anything other than be caring. She is triggering for me and what I’m coming out of. It’s sad.