Alot of good things happening in my soul recently.
The cirlce yoga was powerful on Saturday. I lead at AlAnon yesterday and focused on slogans. Just a good reminder of how powerful these little truths are.
I also just visited my parents and mom is doing amazing. I can’t believe it really. It’s all I hoped for for her. She is socializing and has more stable med management. She has more people interaction than just her husband and his family. She’s free from a world she chose and didn’t realize wouldn’t nourish her.
Everyone but the doctor’s fought me. She fought it. Her husband did. His daughter didn’t want them to move but knew they had to. But they weren’t really watching out for her at all, especially her husband. He would never have moved and would have let mom keep doing everything she was doing until the end.
She’s more stable, more rational. Her thoughts are more coherent. She seems to get what’s going on and isn’t frazzled. She said they rarely eat in their apartment and continue to get out and about. My step-dad’s sister-in-law lives there.
Recently I’ve referred to it as a “special ops extraction.” That just makes me smile right now. It was one of the most intense things I’ve ever done. I haven’t had that level of a panic and illness due to stress for a long time. I guess that’s what took me down starting in 2016 but before then as well.
So I should be thrilled, and I am, but there’s a letdown. It’d be nice to focus on writing and art right now, also the psychology or whatever is in there about community and family etc.
We discussed business yesterday and it didn’t go well. Jay feels he needs additional capital to move ahead with development on other features and products. The only way he can get it is if his mom backs a line of credit again. I wish so much we weren’t still dealing with this stuff, but I guess it is what it is. Most companies when they grow continue to have capital needs. I just hate having to reengage his mom. It was a big deal when we got out of all that. I worry about her stress level and feeling discouraged when this happens. I’d like for her to not worry about us or worry in general. It feels also like we’re taking advantage of her.
So that has me down somewhat and I don’t know, just down a bit today.
I don’t feel like I’m plunging downwards. I feel like I need to make some money and not sure how. Our salary has been trimmed to help w/ fiscal budget and this thing Jay wants to do where we pay less taxes and my salary is lower so we get a dividend.
There is a lot of pain between us around this topic. I was more open last night and wrote some thoughts down as I headed to bed. Disaster allows for irresponsibility. My hip pain is dramatically decreasing. My spot pain has greatly diminished. I’m doing yoga 3x/week and starting to race walk again for cardio and strength. I feel like I’ve turned a corner on health.
Poor health allows you to not do things you need to do. Sometimes you welcome that but mostly, you want to be healthy. I know I have. Now is the time to be healthy and to be responsible with my daily responsibilities as well as long-term goals around writing, art and community or psychology training.
Last night as Jay was talking about how hurt he was, I told myself I didn’t need to be defended. I am safe even if he is angry with me. I’m safe if I’ve made a mistake. He talked about counseling, and that might not be a bad idea. I’m solid. I can accept my mistakes, apologize for them and keep working and getting better, but I don’t need to feel like a wretch. I’m a good person that makes mistakes. I can own up to that and still be a good person.
*****
For some reason, the visit w/ mom and talking about the business w/ Jay has me down today. I got a lot done. I stayed on a schedule. But yeah, I’m down. It feels good to not go down deep, but just have a down day. I know I’ll bounce back and am working my plan. I worked on photos and writing today. But yeah, definitely down in the dumps.
I wonder if I’ll ever be more normal w/ some behaviors. Sometimes I’m surprised people still like me as a friend. I know that’s irrational as I look at the table full of birthday cards. I just get weary of the reactions I still have and knowing it’s up to me to change it all.
I’m getting a much better daily schedule in place full of routines and chores and things I’m starting to focus on more. It was eye-opening to be in Hawaii with Jay’s parents who go out a lot to theater and dinner and music. They’ve made a lot of friends locally and it just reminded me of the danger of staying in all the time.
So I went downtown and did writing and photo management at Atticus instead of staying home. Small changes like that.
I also left a burner on today :/ Jay came home to it. I feel like I keep slipping into early dementia. I hope to get that test done when I finish my car accident settlement.