The last two days.
Dying to myself and then being reborn to a stronger self.
One that accepts my limitations and my diagnosis of PTSD as well as pelvic issues.
I have fought some of this at times or alternately, I feel helpless and depend on others too much. It’s a crazy head game.
Now, I’m realizing I need providers and meds, but I have to be willing to take meds and also to be more diligent with daily self-care.
I have tended to blow it off and do things for other people first. It continues to lead me into these places like I am now: wound up in knots and unable to function. All the time and years lost, mostly the last three.
It reminds me of the quote:
I wish she would take as good of care of herself as she does other people.
I can’t beat myself up about that. I’ve done the best I could.
I saw my friend this am who is now doing same-day clinic care for my health insurance provider. I got some new meds from her and a new game plan for the anxiety.
*****
What dominated my thoughts yesterday had to do with taking care of myself. I want to take care of myself so no one like Jay has to keep trying to help me. It’s exhausting for him and anyone.
I also tried to really feel the love of God through nature and the people around me. I tried to just feel that and believe it, replace negative thinking with the truth.
*****
This afternoon, I went and got a massage. I had another episode like I’ve been having for two days now, like my body was on fire and sweats and anxiety. That’s the last one I’ve had. That was at 1 and now it’s 8. I’m hoping we’re done with this reaction although I know it’s still in my blood.
Beware folks out there, Prozac did not work for me for anxiety. It just made it worse. It worked great for depression when I was flat-lined and like had no feelings. Not this time around.
I’m pretty sobered by it all. I still have some pelvic pain and if I had unlimited pain pills, I’d take one. I don’t though.
That kind of anxiety, there is nothing that really touches it. I was worried I was going to have no options aside from more meds or even the hospital. That spun me out more.
My head feels clear again. It is weird what that did to me.
It seems what happened is I had a pelvic flare that started last week pretty mild and then I have been managing stress w/ alcohol and coffee, up/down, and it affected my bladder. When I get a bladder flare, that then triggers the pelvic stuff even more. Then this reaction to the anxiety meds and I was just going from one thing to another, trying to manage everything.
When I realized I could possibly calm down the flare by protecting my bladder, that helped start things in a better direction. I also went swimming yesterday and spent time in the hot tub which started to calm things down. Then I talked to my medical friend and saw her this morning.
I’m sobered.
I feel like I need to make some changes in my life. I need to take a routine more seriously. I need to be more grateful for what I have and keep pursuing what’s next. I need to show up better for others and stop the navel-gazing. It could be worse though it’s not been easy.
I have so many amazing people around me that have helped me just by being friends and also, with their wisdom and expertise. How crazy amazing is it that my friends are docs that I can see and have similar issues I have.
I’m glad Jay was gone and the stress of trying to go through this together wasn’t present. It wasn’t easy to be alone, but it was better and somehow part of it I think.
I have to go in and review my pain med plan with the doctor in a week. I am hoping I can make it that long w/ the meds I have left. She said I can’t use pot and also do med management with them.
I’m sobered.
I take things for granted and still have areas I need to grow up. I need to think about this week a lot but wanted to get thoughts down. I do not have the crippling anxiety this evening that has been building for months and was worse with the drug interaction. When I called the consulting nurse, they then went through to Poison Control. We talked awhile and they said they thought it was a reaction to the meds. They called the next day and said to not take anymore until I’d seen a doctor. That shocked me and hadn’t occurred to me. If they hadn’t done that, I would have probably kept taking it.
All these things.
I did get some new sleeping/relaxation meds that might help my bladder/flare combo. We’ll see.