So this is what it feels like to be sad and tired and not mad at anyone or sick.
It’s nice. I don’t need to attack anyone. I just need to be alone for a little bit, maybe some cocooning. I don’t need to find an excuse to lash out at Jay for something although this morning, wow. But not tonight. I like it a lot, to just be off and just go into myself and not find a reason.
I’m don’t know why I’m off today but I am.
I spent the afternoon going through my mom’s papers and files and getting everything organized. I have it someplace safe, all organized, easy to access when I need to which is frequently right now.
Jay and I got off on the wrong foot this morning with a conversation where he did his thing where he does double-speak. I have no idea what he does or how his brain works. Our whole marriage, he says the opposite of what he means sometimes and then he says, no that’s not what I meant. What I really meant was this.
It gets worse when he’s stressed and works too much, I’ve noticed. He basically isn’t in contact with any emotions at all and is sort of like a robot. Then he just says weird stuff but is super firm about it like an 8 would be. So I feel like saying, fuck you, I’m tired of dealing with this and then he apologizes profusely so I hang in there.
But basically is sucks.
It makes me really scared too. It reminds me of all our early years of marriage where we basically didn’t communicate well at all. It reminds me of the times where we sat in a couple different therapists offices, and he just sat there smiling and not sure what to do because he had no clue how fucked up he was.
It’s not fun, this Aspergers thing which his attachment therapist said he doesn’t have, and I’m like, bitch, you wrong.
So yeah, and then just deep all afternoon into mom’s files and her handwriting and photos and her organized files. It just all makes me super sad. I’m glad I’m not angry and am detaching and just not getting engaged. I don’t know that I ever won’t be sad.
I told a friend today about what it was like to have my mom not come to my house or be at the hospital when El was born. How I stood in the walk in closet screaming at both of my parents on the phone. I think I called my dad a monster, how I hated him. El was in my arms as I walked around shouting at my parents. Shouting. No wonder I only nursed for three months, and the kids were both anxious. I was anxious.
It’s just all really sad. The pain continues to circulate in families and in relationships and the world, until it stops. It takes a lot of work to make it stop, to stop the cycles. I so admire people who’re doing that.
The heroes that stop the pain, they’re soft and also strong. They’re quietly taking their kids to the beach and snacks after school, knowing what their kid needs because he’s ADD. They’re going to therapy and apologizing to adult kids, giving them the space they need instead of trying to control them from afar. They’re helping their son with addiction, helping a neighbor that’s older, anything, really, other than what has always been done.
Anytime someone stops and considers a different value based on a different action, that’s powerful, that’s life-changing. And it can get old and feel like you’re doing miracles in the dark.
Miracles in the dark.
That’s what it’s like. To try and change and that the changing is your life.
Sometimes, that’s all you have time for. Sometimes, much of your life goes into that effort, and it feels like that’s all you’re about, that’s all you have time for.
But it’s like the bulbs multiplying underground over the winter, new life is happening, new growth is happening.
And it’s real, and it’s everything.
Jay is upstairs listening to Jim Gaffigan. It’s wonderful. He’s doing something fun and entertaining and relaxing, and it’s making noise in our house that I’m not generating.
His work is all-consuming, and I wonder if it will ever be any different.
I wish we could do more relaxing things at home. It’s a bummer.
*****
Well that was all Saturday. I was starting to decompensate and didn’t realize it. I had another long night. The body keeps the score, yep.
My body was saying, you can’t do anymore. I hit a wall. I realized I couldn’t do these meetings today and tomorrow both. I talked to Jay and we came up with some ideas. I also decided to not do the meeting today. We’re adjusting tomorrow.
I’m too uptight. I feel like I have to do everything.
Recovery was tonight and that was good too. Some key takeaways… my main priority has to be my recovery. I can’t give something to someone I don’t have.
Kathy talked about ease. She talked about appreciation. I’m adding those in.
The girls called tonight too and wanted to have me come to Seattle for my birthday. Ahhhh. There are so many things that are good. Focus on those.
I have many things that are good. I feel some relaxation in my body and hopes that we can get this plane landed.
Long-term though, I have to continue to destress and that’s not just being distracted. I am not developing stress skills as fast as I’d like. I use distraction too much.
Anyway, that’s it for this weekend.
San Francisco, CA