This weekend was probably one of the most significant I’ve had in my entire life.
I finally came face to face w/ the reality of how I process stress and the impact it has on my body and people around me.
Once again, I was so stressed by this situation with my parents that I made myself sick. I was unable to eat all day Friday and only started to relax once I was with friends. it was the first time I remember feeling that unhealthy and anxious for a very long time.
I have held on so tight to this responsibility. I didn’t see anyway else to get help, to get things done, to keep my mom safe. Her money has been slipping away, and I knew if I didn’t intervene, not only would she be out of money, we’d have to be footing a bill for her and have her end up someplace very unpleasant as we don’t have those kinds of funds either.
I haven’t felt anyone else in the family has been able to see this or chose not to see this. This has made me even more stressed, anxious and angry.
I talked with Jay a couple times about all this. He said this is killing me, and it is. It isn’t going to resolve anytime soon.
What can I do?
I need to stay more focused on getting to AlAnon meetings and probably find a Codependants Anonymous meeting. I need to get my slogans for survival written down and keep them with me. I need to be committed to not reacting in anger, even when I feel flashes of anger. I need to crave being kinder and more loving toward people and truly believe I’m safe.
I did not to create this situation
I am not responsible
I am not in crisis
I am safe
There are no villains
I can respond in love and still be safe
This isn’t going away anytime soon and will just continue to shift and change. I hope there will be some months or years of peace for my mom’s sake and all of us.
Regardless, I’m going to have to find a way to live again without being in a near-constant state of fight/flight/freeze, hypervigilance and anger. The anger, it makes me so sad that it’s still there.
I want better for my life. I want better for my family.
I’m so in love with Jay. I’m so grateful for a partner that has stuck by me. I just don’t care as much right now about all the things that I’ve yearned for. I’ve had too much focus on what I thought would be better and here, I have so much of what is the best, right here.