This wasn’t my best day.
I woke up about 4:30 with a panic feeling and my stomach a mess.
My ears were ringing, stomach churning and cramping and a feeling of panic everywhere in the body.
I got up and made it through the day but couldn’t eat. I talked to Jay at the office and he said it’s my mind and my fear and my anxiety, not my stomach. He said my body attacks itself in various ways and now it’s my stomach that’s the target.
We had the tour at the property today for the retirement home we’ve selected for the parents. They really don’t have any other options so this is kind of it. Mom didn’t like it; Ben did. I took her grocery shopping afterwards and had to cut it short as I wasn’t feeling well. I drove her home. On the way, she told me the kids were making a big mistake if we were going to move them. She said Ben is an artist, and the house is his Picasso. She said it will kill him to move.
It turns out he’s onboard to move and sees real advantages. This is a big surprise for me, and I’m grateful for his change in attitude. Mom now is dug in whereas a few weeks ago, she was crying with happiness to think about moving.
The stress of it all has undone me and my body. I get angry and am trying to fix things, and I can’t fix everything. She opened a new credit card and I have no idea where it came from. They constantly get scammed in the mail and here’s an example. She could have rung up a ton of charges I don’t know about.
We ended up having time scheduled w/ some friends in the afternoon and evening both. It helped so much to talk to people, good friends. I could feel the tunnel vision starting to appear which I haven’t felt in a long time. The narrowing down and the closing into your body and your panic.
I didn’t have a full-blown panic attack, but I could have if I’d stayed at home and not been with friends. I feel like that was providential, God, whatever you want to call it.
I took a sleeping pill to get to sleep, also not something I’ve done in a long time. It really helped.
I am thinking about going back on Prozac to get through this transition period. It is really stressful, and then I have PTSD on top of things. So yeah, I need some help. The Headspace meditation is helping me understand my stress better and tools to control it and let it go, but it’s a lot of work. I hope this can help take some of the burden off while I’m going through their move and transition.