The trap for the One is a self-created perfectionism, which makes us always dissatisfied and disappointed in just about everything, starting with ourselves. Our inner critic is quite well-trained and practiced, and it takes years of inner work to recognize how completely this critical worldview impairs our perception and keeps us from our natural compassion. We eventually see that we are not really loving God or others, but merely our own self-image.
-Richard Rohr
I have been unnerved by how angry and unhinged I became by the end of last week.
The doctor’s office visit was intense, and I felt unprofessional and unhinged. I directly confronted my stepdad and the doctor backed me up but handled it professionally.
I spent time this morning meditating. I have been pondering this and asked God for direction or a sense or wisdom and listened.
I wondered what drew me to get this extreme.
I thought about being a One. I was meditating and thought about the emotions we feel that we’re drawn to and the ones we resist.
I realized that what I became over the last several weeks was the worst version of a One that I’d ever want to be: angry, demanding, controlling, judgmental, rude. I just cringe writing this and thinking of what I got to. The thing that makes me the most sad is I let my anger overtake me, and it affected how I treated the staff at the clinic.
In my mind, I envisioned what a One can be: compassionate, strong, forgiving, organized, diligent.
It was such a huge moment, the contrast. I felt the difference in my body almost immediately, and I could sense more what it’s like to be a mature One.
I had also texted with Jay and he talked again about having compassion. I listened to a show and it quoted a woman interviewed on NPR who has chosen the Christian tradition. She said to her now, her faith isn’t about being a Christian; it’s about having compassion to deal w/ our most destructive emotions.
So yeah, what a contrast.
I can’t completely beat myself up for all I’ve been through. I made mistakes. I’ve done everything I could to control my emotions, but it’s become too much to maintain the facade.
I saw clearly today how I can continue to choose love and compassion, first for myself and then for others.