I’ve realized that Jay and I are not cut from the same cloth as many other folks.
I have been preparing and organizing documents, finances and resources on my parent’s behalf for three years. I’ve been in meetings, sourced information and protected their assets. I’ve made things happen they were unable to on hundreds of occasions and instances. I’m saving their lives.
All of that has taken strength, courage and perseverance. I haven’t give up on my singular goal and task. My biggest obstacles have often been my two parents, resisting change of almost any kind.
This weekend, I collapsed, exhausted from this long haul. I’ve found myself crying and weeping more than once. I took a five-hour nap.
I feel a sense of calm to some degree. I know more work is ahead, but I feel we’re over the hump.
My relationship with my parents has taken a beating. For now, I’d prefer to not speak to them or be around them much. I’m weary of how they’ve treated us during this and their ignorance for how life works. I guess their version of magical thinking came true in some ways.
They’ve been there for us in many practical ways over the years, but emotionally, their focus is on each other. I’ve finally realized that. They love their kids, but they love each other in a way that’s unique I guess. They don’t have many hobbies other than sitting around together, discussing the world and various topics. I’m happy for them.
In reality, I don’t want to be any closer to my mom than I am. We have too many difference to be closer than we are. I’m realizing my mom understands that now. I think she realizes I love her, but we’re not close. She seems to have accepted it.
In some ways, it seems this is more a victory of sorts than maybe a perfectly matched mother/daughter relationship. We have one where we can get along when we need to and we’re not fighting. We haven’t had a break that has ended it all. We came close, but we’re okay. She isn’t any longer boundary crossing or mean.
All that to say, I’m different than her and many others. I pursue the edges of my own skills and abilities. I try new things constantly. Sometimes our house is messy. I like new opportunities and experiences. I stretch myself.
I imagine I’m not an easy person for people who are less like that. I am up and down. I’ve had these boughts of depression. I get why I can be challenging as well.
I’m glad to be embracing who I am and realizing the role I play. I think there are fewer people like me than not, so I consider myself rare I guess. I believe I have a role to play in the world others can’t. I can get very hard things started and rolling. The world needs people like me.
So it’s been interesting and weird to come to these realizations, both about our family and also myself. It makes me appreciate all I’ve been able to do and can do.
It does make me look “bossy.” I saw a great quote by Amy Poehler where she said she loves bossy women. Bossy women get things done and make things happen.
The only reason my parents are going to land well in their senior years is because I’ve been relentless and bossy to get them what they’ve needed. I’ve used my skills to make their lives better. That feels pretty amazing. I’ll take it.
*****
I was pretty shot most of the weekend. I don’t want to be angry. I want to just get this work done and not have this tension and conflict in the family.
My brother has been pretty steady and isn’t ruffled too easily. My step-sister is pretty up/down.
I am having to get back to my practices to make it over the long haul in all of this.
Steptoe, WA