I went to visit my mom this morning to give her her shots and medicine.
I took my neighbor with me, and that was a good idea. She just retired and is being really helpful in this decision-making process. It was nice to just have the company and have someone to process with. It was probably good to be on the medicine end of things and have to give a shot at least once.
I made several tour appointments yesterday. I’d love to get to all the properties next week that are on our list. We need to get things together and start a process to have them moved and remove Mom’s license. It’s going to be really hard, and the only upside I hope is that they’ll enjoy the new place.
I worked very hard today to have a better attitude, to just in general, be more grateful and less negative.
On the plane to Seattle, shortly after we landed, a person across the aisle pulled out their phone and loudly started talking about nonsense shit, yelling almost about some video she’d sent a friend. She was using profanity and just being loud, rude, obnoxious.
In the past, I’d fixate on this. I’d sit and be silently disgusted. I’d seethe. I’d mentally rant about the continued slide of civilization. About a 50% chance I’d turn and glower.
In short, I’d absorb her awful behavior and MAKE IT EVEN WORSE.
Hahahaaa!
That’s the absurdity of being negatively-focused. You make it WORSE for yourself than that awful thing already was.
This idiot asshole just ruined the last few minutes of my hour of sitting in the sky, reading this delicious English novel. I’ll think I’ll pay her back by being mad for another ten minutes with a lingering sense of disgust for at least an hour. I’ll probably repeat the story at dinner, making a 60-second social vomiting last about eight hours. Go me!!
And who’s the idiot??
I just sat there, reading my book, and chose to let the story come and go. In fact, I disconnected before she was even done. I quit listening and being disgusted and reveling in my self-righteous disgust at her stupidity and just tuned her out. That’s a new one for me; just let it wash over me and stay in my own space unless intervening in sort of necessary, not just a form of gloating.
So as a result, I felt a lot different this afternoon and evening in town. I wasn’t getting over being frustrated and then on edge, ready to find fault with everyone and everything. I felt really calm and kept enjoying my book on the light rail as well where I ran into someone doing Behavioral Science work at a college and also helping do reentry work for people who’d dropped out or missed going to college, had been in prison, etc.
*****
Tonight at dinner we celebrated the kid’s promotions and two birthdays. The girls both got promotions at work and the boys had birthdays. We ate at Wild Ginger. It was relaxed and low-key, not super intense or emotional, just mellow and pleasant. We had some good laughs here and there, some silence, alot of chatter. KT didn’t feel very well and was home sick today. I felt bad she came in and wasn’t feeling well, but would have been really bummed to miss her. I hope she doesn’t get colds as much someday. She seems healthier overall I guess but I worry.
We both discussed the reticular activating system and how it works. We both think it’s kind of cool how it does.
One thing I didn’t know that fits in with the early topic is that people who think negatively, see negative things. That’s their filter. Those who think positive, they will tend then to see those things only.
I am pretty much a negative thinker. I definitely feel the world is falling apart and it really is in so many ways. Maybe other beautiful things are growing somewhere underneath but a lot of the top layer is sure dying in a hurry.
So this was pretty profound to me, that when you ponder negative things a lot, that’s what you’ll see or perceive and have come in through your negative filter.
I find this sobering. It really goes to the heart of the positive thinking, the idea of awe and worship, the idea of being grateful, as ways that change your life, literally.
So I find this all sobering in that I’ve missed out on a lot of joy, and also hopeful, that it’s not too late.
Pondering all this, I’m realizing how incredibly uptight I’ve been for so long. Super judgy and intense, like, how do I have friends?
After time w/ the girls, I realized we do have a close family and a good family. We don’t talk everyday or sometimes every week. We don’t see each other every month. But we love each other and we’re letting each other live and explore our own lives then come together and share that. We are part of their lives, but not the biggest part right now by any means. I’m grateful we all feel we can live this way, a little more apart, and have it be okay, even good.
Accepting all this has been a very long process.