A day of humble work and reflections.
My anger and mood was more upbeat today. I wasn’t as obsessed in my mind. Less triggering.
I am always inspired by my mother-in-law. She literally has the best attitude of almost anyone I know. She’s 88 and just so grateful for everything: she can still drive, her memory, resources to have a nice apartment and travel, family she loves, on it goes.
Her father was tragically killed when she was 8, and her life was never the same. Her mother died young from the stress of taking care of all these kids w/o stable income. Bev could have become very bitter and angry, but she didn’t. Instead, she’s been thankful all her life, but also herself.
My experience with my mom is someone that denied herself any feelings or desires. I assumed this is the standard response to trauma and pain, but here is someone from the same generation who took a different perspective.
I’m inspired to keep shifting my attitude to one of gratitude and to look at everything with the belief that something good is there. Everything eventually will pass. I can keep living my life w/o stopping everything while still being grateful.
*****
Our little group met tonight, and I’m not sure when it’s been more impactful for me to meet with them. We did a question that Jay suggested a few times ago, just to go around and say what’s going on in your life. It was so good to hear from people and somehow, what people shared just calmed me down and made me feel connected again to reality and myself.
It reminded me of how just plain connection and eating together is such a huge part of our group. We didn’t even get to our book discussion. I didn’t care.
It also reminded me of how stressed I am and have been. I’ve gotten out of synch and out of whack w/ any good practices. I’ve slowly drifted to being more uptight again whereas I’d backed away from that some. I’m surprised at how judgmental I’ve been and can be, especially with people who are more unconventional than I am. I’m super disappointed by that and realize how limiting my experience in life has been due to that.
I have struggled to see Christ in everything, to really believe all is divine. I believe so strongly in education and pursuing justice and a better path that it easily mashes up in my mind to just that there’s only one way to do something. I’ve had to really work on that and have a long way to go.
People told stories about car crashes, visiting grandkids, job change and frustrations, things they’re learning, kids, etc. Somehow it just soothed me and made me grateful to have known these folks so long and have so much history.
So tonight, I laid down, put on some Bach, got my massage pillow going and just tried to rest my body and reconnect. I tried to love myself, also acknowledge the bad choices and attitudes and pray for guidance to move ahead better but also, love myself. I’m too uptight and intense. I’m so grateful to rest and be inspired by people today.
Lastly, this from Les McDaniel, a motivational speaker that confirmed the direction I’m moving:
Neurologists claim every time you resist acting on your anger, you’re actually rewiring your brain to be kinder and more loving.
Good goals.
*****
Jay is flying home from Hawaii today, landing in Seattle, on his birthday. See him tomorrow. What a crazy two weeks.