I talked to Jay this morning a significant amount about my parents and the entire situation.
It was helpful. He’s the most concerned about me first and then all the other details which is amazing. I’m grateful to have someone in my life that’s so loyal, loving, dedicated. Why doesn’t this show up much in rom-coms? Maybe because they only focus on when the people first meeting…
Anyway, one item that’s come up is my drift to anger when I’m stressed. I’m trying to become more aware of that. So what will life look like w/o being angry??
In this situation w/ my family where I feel irrationally, insanely angry and triggered, trying compassion and openness will be helpful.
This evening, I feel strangely relaxed and at peace about it all, even w/ talking briefly with my mom this evening for a pill reminder. She’s rapidly becoming more delusional and paranoid, and tonight, it just made me sad. She’s drifted so badly so quickly in the last few months.
She said she loves me and that I’ve been a really good daughter. I’m glad I have those memories as this goes not well ahead.
I’ve told both my siblings that this is going to be a shitshow coming up. That they don’t want to move and it’s going to be really hard as they’re dug in. Maybe it won’t be that way. Either way, it’d be awesome if I can be less triggered, believe I’m safe and just get through it. Don’t react. Just try to be kind and be logical and analytical like I’m used to doing.
Today I also spoke w/ someone that does care management services for families and people with someone who’s elderly. They offer a range of services and the rate is $110/hour. They do everything from meetings to consultations to visits on the homes they live in to tours of facilities.
When I told her the range of services we’re looking for, the specific needs we have, she said I am way ahead of the game. She said she was surprised I even knew that there were different kinds of properties. She said they do make specific recommendations once they know more about the person or couple and their needs. She said not all facilities are the same and that some facilities change.
That was shocking. She was super matter-of-a-fact. One year, it’s this place that’s the best, the next year it’s the other, etc. Just like that. That’s why she said it makes a real difference to have people regularly checking and visiting. That was also sad and shocking.
I’m thinking my view has been distorted by starting my visits at the first place, this fancy, private-pay only place on the northside. It’s like walking into the lobby of a cruise ship or a Marriott. It’s not where I’d want to live, but I think it could appeal to some.
So it was a sobering day. Maybe it shocked me back to the reality of facts and plans, less about the crazy family dynamics. Maybe it was talking to Jay about compassion and praying while I was out walking, asking for that grace. Maybe it was getting a good dinner and painting my backdrop for my photo shoot tomorrow.
I don’t know, but I feel better tonight.
In reflecting, I think opening up to the possibility of not being angry, of still being willing in the face of pain to have boundaries, but to also, keep trying to find the loving path… I think that could have made the difference.
My head feels clear again, my heart feels less conflicted. I’m sad which I’ll take. It’s higher on the scale that Kay gave me, up from despair and powerlessness and fear which is at the bottom of the list.
It made me rethink today what we’ll find at the other properties. It made me sad with how our society functions, with shuttling people off to these places. Maybe they like it. I don’t think they do. The lady on the phone said a move is traumatic for people. You can expect other significant declines, worse than what she’s experiencing now. It’s awful to think about.
I wish we had better solutions. There isn’t anywhere for them to go here. The only other idea I’ve had is for someone to live w/ them in their apartment out there. Maybe we should go down that road. I have no idea. It might be a good temporary solution while we try and find another place. My step-sister keeps demanding emergency plans. I have none.
*****
And today, I painted. I guess after all those painting classes thirty years ago and years of photography and looking/observing, I still have something. The result was somewhat decent, this photo backdrop I decided to whip up for the photo shoot tomorrow. We’ll see how it goes. It felt amazing to have paint brushes out, smell paint, create the image and scenes I was looking for.
I used a photo from the beach that I just took as my guide, and that helped a ton. We’ll see if it works out tomorrow, but the painting process itself was inspiring, rejuvenating, hopeful.
*****
Lastly, the HS meditation in the pack on Letting Go of Stress, it talked about how stress is the gap between our actual life and what we think it should be.
I really was stopped by that. Is that what I’m doing? If so, what is my sense of my current existence and what do I wish it was?
I realized shockingly, I don’t even know. I have these vague feelings that haunt me and rob me of my daily joy. I couldn’t even really name them, any of them. It shocked me.
Here are these vague feelings and senses that I can’t even identify, defining my daily sense of happiness and contentment and well-being.
So I started to try and identify both. This needs to be an ongoing project.