Woooow.
So I left PDX in a car after being sick all the night before. Dropped Jay off at the airport for his rendezvous w/ bio mom. I was too sick to be excited.
One big takeaway this past weekend was I’m tired of being angry. I’m tired of being guarded. I’m tired of not giving the benefit of the doubt. I’m tired of being blocked from life.
I think the big energy of life is blocked by anger. I really do.
Anyway, I was sick and puking and the whole thing, stopping at rest stops along the way. Then we hit a storm in the Gorge and barely made it into Kennewick. Car was covered in ice. Low on gas. I was still sick. Puked as soon as I got into the room.
It was pretty cool though to do that, to make the trek, not be angry with Jay all the way on the trip, and to pull it off, me and the puppers. It felt good to be able to get into a hotel, rest, have it be clean and affordable. I felt deeply grateful for the rest and place to relax. It kept me from going over the edge into a breakdown. I desperately just needed to be alone, in a calm, quiet, comfortable room. And that’s what they provided (props to Best Western Kennewick).
I drove in and immediately felt the oppression of all the responsibility with my parents. The calls from my brother and step-sister. A voice message from mom tonight I disregarded. A call from the IRA company… on and on.
I felt myself tensing, my field of vision narrowing, all the old PTSD stuff. I tried to rest today. I even had a massage. Nothing.
I thought about calling Kay and realized I need to deal w/ this, myself. I need to get real about reality, my reality.
I started asking myself questions, like what Kay would ask. What are you afraid of? What would you want in this situation?
What I’m afraid of is more pointless meetings w/ family members who don’t see eye to eye with me on many things. More meetings where my parents get hysterical and difficult and chilly and mean and demanding. Where I keep spending all my life and years, pouring it all down this drain.
What do I want? I want to see them or at least mom get into a nice place that she enjoys. I don’t want any issues with that process. I don’t want long meetings, whining siblings. I want to find the place, make it happen, get it done.
I realized tonight, what if I never had to see or talk to my mom again? And my siblings too? How can I make that happen to the best of my ability? How can I get through some of this with more of my sanity? All of my sanity? My integrity? What I’ve worked for?
And then I started to relax.
Yaaaaassss.
I just started to relax.
I can’t keep doing this. I’m going to do something to make it better, make it different.
And that feels amazing.
IT FEELS LIKE EVERYTHING.
Tonight, my mom’s message was back to being nice, questioning, wanting help. Just last week, defiant, angry, fuck you attitude.
Sooo… I don’t do this.
I don’t have relationships w/ people who are like this.
I have an obligation to help get this landed, but I don’t have to do all these meetings alone or even at all. I can hire someone.
So it feels pretty great.
It feels like everything.
It feels like freedom, like I can keep pursuing my life and consider this a side hustle, not the other way around.