Today was cool and awful.
I called my mom and asked her not to drive for three weeks.
I felt pressured by my sister yesterday to do this quickly due to mom’s decline this week. She often panics and wants to do something immediately. This is not how I like to do things.
It wasn’t great telling her what was going on. She’s not thinking clearly. She resisted as I imagined and is fighting back. My sister texted and said they’re mad at her and blame her.
There is way too much drama going on right now.
I realized toward the end of the day I’m trying to bring order into a disordered family. I can only do so much but there are going to be messes and this is one of them.
I talked and vented to Jay. I swore alot. I realized none of this anger is good for me. I don’t want to be angry anymore. I don’t want this stress to infect my body. I can feel it in my body, and I want it to go back out again.
I want to get past all of this business-stuff so I can just visit and support my mom. Right now, it’s awful, all this care-giving and paperwork.
So this was the opposite way I like to do things, basically.
I told Jay that today wasn’t my fault. I didn’t do anything wrong. I’m trying to do my best in a really hard situation. This was set in motion years ago by people other than me and how they all function and relate. I need to take note of what didn’t go well and adjust for the future.
What I realized is, when I have this level of stress come to my life, I sort of black-out. I have a hard time regulating the stress in my body. My focus goes narrow, I have a very sympathetic and parasympathetic body system response.
For example, I forgot my appointment with my PT today. She has helped me more than anyone else, and I let her down by not showing up. I completely blacked-out and had a hard time not being in tunnel-vision around the stress that was unfolding regarding the driving.
I hate this, that this is still my life w/ these crazy people. I don’t know what is going to happen.
*****
Tonight I went to an event for female entrepreneurs. It was surprising actually, how interesting and inspiring it was. I almost didn’t go but decided to just to be with people. I made the right decision. The energy of people around me was good, and I didn’t need to be alone all night, brooding on the mess that got created today.
A few people talked to me that knew some of my history. They actually appreciated my background. They know some of what I’ve done. It felt sort of nice. I’ve long stopped expecting anyone to know our history or story. And, nicely, I don’t need it. So when it comes around, it’s quite nice.
Tomorrow I leave for the beach. I hope I cry at least once out there about all this. It’s sad and tragic and makes me angry somewhat with my step-dad and mom’s bullheadedness. Her parting comment on the phone: “Well, God is on the throne.” WTF??? Why do things always end like this? Can you just say you’re pissed, and can we talk about this?? Nope. Defer your life and feelings to your husband or to a male deity.
So on we go.
What was going through my mind aside from this: how people can be happy in a profane environment; community; universal Christ in all; buying an apartment building and making it a cohousing project.