So this is how it is.
As I come out of this deep depression, I’m realizing how much of my life has been lost to the stress and resulting disassociation I dipped into on a constant basis.
I’ve not fully understood until recently how disembodied I’ve been.
Classic examples I hadn’t realized until lately: Today I paid for my yoga class and by the end of the class, couldn’t remember if I’d paid or not. I left my water bottle in a store right next to my purse. I got lost in a few blocks near my car. This has been happening my whole life and now I know why. I’m in a semi-fugue/dissociative state half the time.
I’m slowly starting to adopt and be committed to regular, consistent practices that are centering me in my body and my own life: yoga; stretching and strengthening exercises; healthy food; less alcohol; more writing , journaling and art; TV shows again; sexuality; music; time w/ friends and the puppers.
The entire situation w/ my parents is untenable.
I was so triggered yesterday and then all day today. It woke me up last night.
My step-dad refuses to move. He denies my mom needs help or that they have to move. My mom continues to decline, and he refuses to acknowledge it or be part of discussions.
This is exactly what happened when my dad was alive.
My mom loves me but didn’t protect me. She still doesn’t protect me, because she’s not protecting herself. She has no self-image or esteem whatsoever. She gave all that up for the security of being married to anyone. She gave up herself to not have to think or worry about her future, herself, her own life. She has seemed to want to ride along w/ any man instead of be on her own. So this is what it looks like then, a marriage to a dysfunctional man, the last 50 years, two of them who’ve damaged me profoundly.
Just sent this text to a friend:
Thanks for asking :) I’m going to try and do a phone consult w/ Kay before my next appointment. It’s felt like I’m drowning again, the same feeling I had as a kid. Same mom, same basic dad situation. Now other enabling sibling keeping it all going. I appreciate the love and support of the group. It’s hard to even talk about it because it makes me feel like I’m the crazy one, the Debbie Downer, etc. I feel like I can’t get away and live my own life and be my own person. So…. just trying to breathe, grateful for the local yoga class this morning and just do my thing. I’m going to make a lot of people unhappy in my determination to be healthy. That’s what it comes down to. Everyone else is okay w/ this shitty mess and want me to play my role. Yeah, that’s what it is.
Everyone wants me to support the structure, to shut-up, to just do my part which is substantial. I keep the money flowing. I manage relationships and coordinate care. I keep the machine turning on many fronts. Now as mom declines, I am needing to move her and change the situation but her husband refuses.
That leaves me stuck, again, forced to make choices between bad and bad outcomes.
This family chose to build this house and all live together w/o any discussion or contracts about how it would all play out. Now, they’re all stuck together with regular crises brewing and the need for emergency help being requested. I’m declining and now the shit will hit the fan.
I will help move them and source that and make it happen. I will not facilitate months or years of emergency care to their house in the woods. That’s what it comes down to.
My friend just replied:
Grateful for chosen family for all of us when the negative energy isn't for us to participate in any more.
Ah yes… such a good reminder. I forget all the blessings of all the people around me. I get so hooked into the toxicity and history w/ my mom and family. It still feels like this crisis situation.
BUT IT’S NOT.
I can make it. They’ll make it. I have to destress and move on.
*****
The yoga class was sure wonderful.
It’s becoming one of my favorite things to do, to find the local yoga studio when we travel and do a drop-in class. I really love doing that. That, and finding the local jewelry store and buying a ring or earrings w/ the local stones or crystals. That’s my jam.
THEN EATING.
And drinking.
And sex.
And reading.
And shopping.
And lots of walks or exercising outside, whatever is happening outside.
Lots of sleep.
Time w/ the puppers.
Local foods.
Postcards.
Thrifting.
Ahhh… yep. I do know myself and know what I like. I don’t want to lose one more day to the stress of all this.
Thankfully now we’re out at the ocean, the edge of the world on the west coast of Oregon. We’re nestled between the ocean and a mountain range. So the rain is substantial and there is a distinct feeling of isolation.
One thing I love about being here? There is a distinct culture to any coastal community, especially the ones out here in what is called the North Coast. There is a real vibe and energy and way of being, types of food and clothing, music, arts, etc. I like it. It suits me for some reason, not sure why exactly.
*****
Time to wrap this day up w/ some good routines and reflections.
I started the day off massively triggered and disconnected. That’s gone, and I’m recovering. I’m not sure how far I’ll get on this trip. It’s all the things I need, right here. So I won’t get worse. But joy and peace and calm is harder to attain than just not being triggered.
We talked at dinner about what we love about it down here. We had a long list… the isolation yet coziness, the people and their type of work out here, the ocean and mountains, the more local feel of shops and services, the food, the list goes on.
We also talked about what’s happened to us through all the years, specifically what he saw that caused my worst pain. I said it was three things: the sexual abuse, the family climate where I was powerless and the culture of patriarchy in my entire circle of people.
He added that he felt my parents just didn’t want me to really get out or succeed. They either were scared of it themselves, scared of losing me, selfish, who knows. John can remember many times where I would try and go after something, and they effectively blocked me. It happened year after year.
I came into our marriage happy to have escaped that, but I went on to then do a lot of blaming and fear-projecting that had been done to me. It took a long time for me to understand some of what was happening in me and what I was doing to create my own unhappiness. I so believed I had to keep doing different things I really didn’t want to do. I had to stop those things and try to find myself that was buried and go do those things.
It reminds me of the revelation I had a while ago in therapy. Healing is not the same thing as changing. It was a wake-up for me to realize I had to recreate much of my own life to become fully healthy. It wasn’t enough to just not feel as disempowered in my own life. I had to find a way to live again.
It would take all my willpower to believe I had to do this, that it was now up to me to go forward and start doing the hard, daily work all healthy people do. Self-care, discipline, routines, food choices, body movements, gratitude, all of it. I had to move from exhaustion and then healing to health. This was a big surprise to me, that therapy didn’t make me healthy.
We drove home and agreed we came into our marriage deeply wounded people. We’ve hurt each other to add onto it all, but miraculously, we’ve created an incredible amount of beauty. Our children, hello, amazing… they came from our efforts and the goodness of who we are and what we tried to do w/ our family.
So acknowledging the pain, but moving beyond and believing change can happen.
I found freedom this evening believing that I will be free of the situation with my mom, one way or another. It will end for me, sooner than later. I need to continue to disconnect and move on. She has prioritized her husbands and her own desires over her family. That’s their reality, and it excludes me. I’ve been an absolutely amazing daughter. It’s time for me to create more boundaries.
Ponderings: How I’m sortof horny but comfortable just recovering from being triggered; why do I like this ocean vibe here so very much; how it feels wrong to abandon my mom and that’s the opposite of tribe; how I keep hoping I haven’t really screwed up my kids; how I am starting to imagine my own art and what that would look like; how I love our dog and her fur and devotion; how I love to read; how I love having my hubs in this room doing his things while I do mine and the gas fireplace is going; how we have a very good life.