Just returned from an afternoon with our aging parents.
The big topics this last 24-hour cycle are mom’s refusal to take her meds and now, the very real concern of her driving ability.
Long ago we should have addressed this, but haven’t. I’ve been overwhelmed with other crises, namely her finances and all the paperwork related to that. I’ve been trying to heal myself emotionally and do the work that allows me to be engaged and helpful in this process.
So now today, I’m calling transport companies and trying to find ways to get her around if we take away their keys. This wasn’t on my schedule.
I still feel she’d be doing better someplace with a lot more stimulation and access to people who specialize in dementia care. Right now, they are isolated in the country, and she’ll just continue to decline. It’s been another winter of being shut-in and unable to drive.
My step-sister continues to just do more each day and take on the burden of caring for them. They need to be someplace with more help and assistance and stimulation. She just keeps working, and isn’t looking at the bigger picture. So I keep trying to think ahead and figure out where they will move to.
It’s not a great situation, but no one seems to see that it’s not great for a person with dementia to be out there. It’s inevitable that they will move.
I’ve been checking in with myself to see how I’m doing. I’ve been thinking about my window of tolerance and hoping it can continue to stretch and expand for this endeavor.
There isn’t anyone to be upset with or angry with. It is what it is. Our parents are good people, but they’ve resisted change and have done no planning for this. So, that way of thinking has put more burden on us.
I’m actually not willing to do whatever it takes to make them perfectly happy. Somewhere in all this therapy I dropped that desire or compulsion. There are more things I could do that might be nicer for them, but it’s not the long-term solution they need. Those were decisions they both made a long time ago, and there’s no going back from that point.
So I try and do what I can without moving into this crisis energy and state in my body.
I can tell this is going to be a lot more work in the months and years ahead. I have to gear up for the long haul. I can’t be getting exhausted and angry and frustrated then distract myself and spin down everytime something stressful happens. It’s going to be going on like this for quite some time unless something tragic occurs. Right now, mom’s heart is good and other health measures are good, so the assumption is she’s going to live several more years and unfortunately go through a horrible end of her life w/ dementia.
If she was in a campus-setting, my hope would be she might also be able to talk to someone regularly, maybe see a counselor or therapist.
So, that was my afternoon from 12:30 until getting home around 4:30. Now more action items and made an appointment to see the doctor regarding the driving.
For now, it’s going to be a lot of work, then maybe they’ll be happier someplace new, who knows. I don’t think her husband will want to move.
On we go.
Now to go walk and destress w/ exercise and not drinking.
*****
Well, I didn’t have time to do much more than stretching before the movie. I had fun going to the show with a friend I used to do group with. We went and saw the film about the old WWI footage, They Will Not Die by Peter Jackson. Pretty amazing stuff. Awful war, awful conditions. Amazing anyone lived at all.
It was good to be out with a friend and talking and laughing, just hanging out. I don’t do that much. I hang out w/ Jay in the evenings mostly or with groupies or kids or whatever, by myself. I realized I need to get out more and meet more people and spend time w/ my friends who are more free. I’m more free and empty-nesting. I have friends that are empty-nesting but pretty family-bound still. I’d like to get out and be more intellectually stimulated and do some interesting things again. We’ll see! I feel excited.
As I process today and see my mom, I’m more convinced we need to move ahead w/ plans to move them. I’ve been recovering myself and preoccupied w/ all the money transactions and dealings. It’s been a part-time job so far for a couple years, some seasons more than others. I was ill last fall.
Now is the time to focus on things and get things moving ahead. I’m hopeful we can negotiate the family dynamics and get the process started. I don’t see we have much choice w/ mom’s declining health and her issues. We need more medical care around the clock and available as well as more activities and people for mom especially.
It’s time.
Prayers and strength to God for my right attitudes and to not be too much of a One. I want to hear and listen to people’s concerns. I am hopeful we can get through this in one piece as a family.
My brother continues to go on about how awful it is when mom calls him four times. He has the negative ear of his joyless wife as El says. I won’t have any time for that. I won’t have anytime for my step-sister wanting things to stay the same for her dad’s sake. He has not been thinking much about my mom for whatever reasons. It’s just time for the change to happen.
That means I need to do a lot more tours and assessments, talk to a lot more people. It’s going to take an effort. My sister also thinks they want to try and have surgery on her dad’s knees. I’d like to get this move done before they do that. It’d be nice for mom to have a more stable place while he’s in surgery, more support.
I don’t know how that will go.
God, I will need to see the love of Christ in and around all of this as I go through this and not get too focused on a specific end-goal. I will need to be compassionate and not a bulldog. I will need to grow to do this well.