My mother had another episode today regarding her medicine.
She didn’t want to take her insulin. She refused and went into her bedroom.
I talked to her later today, and she said she figured I’d heard that she was rebelling. I told her she needed to take her insulin and then we could discuss her issues and concerns at a different time. She is not stable or doing particularly well. I don’t know how this year is going to go. I would be surprised if they are out there by this time next year.
I think she’s probably depressed, low on vitamin D, isolated and lonely. I don’t know that she really gets any emotional support out there. I know she feels warmth and care, but I know it is also not a place that can meet all her needs. I don’t know what her relationship with her husband is life. I know she says he’s wonderful, so she keeps telling herself she’s fine. Her body though occasionally reveals the truth and then she crashes.
Not unlike her daughter.
I learned all this from her, turns out.
So it’s sad to see. I’ve resigned myself to be super proactive on her finances . I’m getting things in order and spending my time focused on her bills and getting everything in one place. That’s all I can do. I try and call once in a while as well, a minimum of 1-2x/week. What she’d really like is relaxing time together, going out and shopping, driving, walks, etc. That’s just not possible for me yet.
So it is what it is. Hundreds and thousands of smaller decisions got us to where we are today. I’m doing the best I can with where I’m at. I’m glad I can do what I’m doing. It’s not enough, but it’s something.
I want to make sure to give back all I can and not be stingy or angry or withholding. I am not getting triggered like I used to. It is enough to know that I had to do EMDR and Lifespan to get over being triggered by my mother. Whether it was intentional or not, I had trauma there.
I want to not be the person who cannot forgive. I am forever reminded of the story Jesus told of the man who was forgiven much, millions, and could not fortive five dollars.
That can be me at times. Ones are judgmental to an unreasonable level because we see that perfection is not unattainable. We tend to not give grace.
So it is important for me to not be stressed but to also extend and help.
My window of tolerance is stretching and expanding. I did pretty well today not being sidetracked or triggered by all that has been doing on. I let it go and did what I could.
I don’t want to move to anger or frustration or annoyance. Just yesterday, I had a panic episode that I had to use tools to calm myself down. My mom has no tools like that due to how she’s lived her life. I can’t hold it against her or feel better than her. I can still have compassion and need to. I can also accept reality without still trying to find new ways to help her and relieve her stress.
On my mind:
My health and recovery, specifically my hip and low back, all the work on my body coming together; meditating techniques; watching my new show, Death in Paradise; future projects along the lines of helping people find community, raise kids, function in this society, etc; clothes; whether to go to this women’s business event I signed up for Wednesday night; Jay out at the ocean, am I lazy; the full moon this evening.