We went to the middle of the state to manage one of our servers.
We colocate servers in other parts of the state for safety and security. We have fail-over processes that help us keep the data safe in case we have issues w/ servers in the city. It’s a lot of work and I continue to be amazed at what Jay accomplishes.
I had a range of emotions today, a wild range.
We went back to a city that we have many fond memories in, mainly from weekends away around New Year’s or afterwards for our anniversary.
I was flooded with memories from so many good trips there. We have made it a habit to get away and do something special on our anniversary. It’s been a tradition that we’ve stuck to for years. We have great memories mostly in Canada and Leavenworth from those weekends over many years now. They all tend to be places were there are other people we meet, common meals and a beautiful, smaller city that is walkable and has a nice main street, good restaurants and a cozy place to stay. Nature and mountains is also a common theme.
Next I thought about my attitude. When we were planning to go, I was resistant. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go. I’ve got a lot to do regarding the holidays still though down-sized from last year even. I just wasn’t very flexible. I realized in getting there how amazing it was to get away just for 36-hours. We work really hard and don’t get much downtime together away that’s relaxing.
I thought about sex. I’m still messed up. I have barriers and issues that are unresolved.
I thought about my extended family. I spent a lot of time in Wenatchee and Leavenworth growing up. I would usually spend 1-2 weeks there with my grandma. She had a place in town that had a small orchard. Her house was always a wild mess of things going on, alot of plants and fruit, piles of magazines and letters and books, dolls, antiques, photos, dishes. It was a funky old house that had radiators and metal grills on the floor like my other grandmas house. She’d have to clean off the beds so we could stay in there. It was always dusty and she slept on the sofa alot. She stomped with purpose when she walked and was kind of gruff. We had a lot of fun. We visited many shirt-tail relations in the hills of Chelan and Eniat at all hours. I listened to a lot of banjo music and sat on a lot of plastic sofas. I loved it. It was a shock from my staid English white lifestyle back in my hometown.
I wondered about her life and her time back where she grew up. She loved the Eniat/Chelan/Wenatchee area. She never liked Astoria and moved back as fast as she could once my grandpa died. I think she moved within a month or so after he passed. My mom was pregnant w/ me when she helped her move.
I drove by her house and pondering it all.
I realized that for once, I didn’t feel overwhelmed w/ sadness. I didn’t feel anxiety and panic about who I was and how it all fit together. It seems that those overall feelings in my brain have greatly diminished. I used to be pushed around by almost anything. I felt unmoored all the time. I felt no real sense of identity or sense of self.
I’ve read recently that codependence really affects your self-image and sense of self. It also affects your ability to know how you really feel. These things really ring true. I started researching this more after seeing Kay last and discussing this in regard to my parents. It’s very strange to feel that you had to take care of your parents, both of them. It has completely shaped my mind and perception of myself, other relationships and reality. It’s affected my marriage.
I’m glad the anxiety around my future and my current self has diminished. I no longer feel like I’m drifting. However I am uncovering many other reactions to things that are unhealthy and disappointing. However I’m loving myself as I am now and excited to keep moving ahead.
Today as we came into town, I realized I was getting triggered by some things Jay said. He said he woke up in the middle of the night last night w/ anxiety in his soul. He couldn’t figure out what it was. He realized it was my anxiety about our company and our business. He had to do some positive talking and thinking to make it go away.
So we talked about that. I was surprised he doesn’t have much anxiety himself and doesn’t understand my anxiety. I tried to explain how this goes around in my head and he listened but doesn’t fully understand.
I don’t know how to explain it better or more than that we still have major issues and things to resolve even w/ many happy clients. I don’t feel I can fully step out yet and that creates anxiety for me.
I think I have a false impression of things in the company and he also doesn’t fully understand things. I don’t think I’m cut out for the kind of work we’re doing, the actual work. But I’m doing it; I just wouldn’t have initiated it.
We talked a lot about the business and I’m disappointed some with where I’m at. I feel I’m not reacting maturely and need to come out of my shell.
So when I got home, I realized this and we talked some. I realized I was getting down and depressed and sulky. I didn’t want to do that. I realized I was choosing to react a certain way to being triggered. So I started using some of my tools. I imagined sunlight inside my chest expanding. I started trying to be more myself and pull out of the depression and triggering. We went on a long walk up to the park and looked at the greenhouse lights. We watched a movie when we got home. I still have been triggered some but realize these are things I can control.
So it’s a big step for me to keep observing and trying to change. I haven’t had enough time for all that recently so I feel I’ve slipped back. It’s a lot to absorb continuously and keep learning and changing. I sort of took a little break I guess and now I need to get back at it more.
All in all, it was refreshing and revealing. I have a lot to learn still but I’ve come a long, long way. I just had a long way to go and still do. The way my childhood unfolded left me with behaviors and wounds that without managing and changing, will keep affecting my life. I’ve also chosen this week to extend grace to the family and host a brunch tomorrow for everyone. I figure why not? I don’t want to be mad at anyone and I have good boundaries. They really can’t hurt me.
Onward.