I have a random index card here in my inbox that just says:
The best day of my year, my bedroom was a mess.
That’s all it said.
There’s no date or any description of what day that was or what I was doing.
No big.
I know what I wanted to convey and remember was that things are rarely tidy. The more energy I spend insisting things always be tidy, the harder it will be to let magical things happen. Be okay with mess if it means more yes to creativity.
*****
We had another meeting tonight with the three siblings to try and keep making things work with our parents. We are managing a step-family situation and I’m managing my own ego that’s changing and developing. I felt tired afterwards, just tired. Not angry though. I vented a little with Jay and then let it go. I’m trying to reach for love in the absence of feeling triggered and under attack like I felt the first few weeks after Thanksgiving after it seemed no one was doing anything or responding. That’s mostly gone now.
Good riddance.
I’m working still at the office, finishing up all the holiday gift giving and cards to clients. I don’t know what we’ll do next year. It’s definitely an investment and we’re not probably even sending them to the right address.
I got a little annoyed w/ the sales people but even managing that better, just deciding to not take it personally.
The slogans are helping. The work for all these years is helping. The pain lowering is helping. Connecting with Jay is helping.
I’m hopeful for 2020 and things changing.
*****
I reread an entry from last week that talked about my parents. It also was the same day I met w/ an artist to discuss my own work. 85% of the entry was about my parents. It was good in that it was the day I decided how to handle everything, but it’s sad that this situation continues to overshadow my own work.
I called mom tonight and asked what they were up to. She said they were listening to a program on prophecy on the radio and then she was fact-checking everything in the Bible. So that was a short conversation.
We don’t have much to talk about. It’s just the sad truth. Fox News and radical Christian radio and news has ruined our ability to have any connection. Thanks so much. Good thing they promote family values.
So yeah. I’m doing the basics to help but the reality is, the relationship is minimal. I need a thick skin here as well and also to move on, take what works and accept the rest.