So much in a few short days.
I definitely became greatly triggered by the family situation which has alcoholic tendencies all over it, everywhere.
I’m trying to be healthy but also trying to advocate for my mom. It’s a very fine line between advocating and controlling.
With the release of giving her the freedom to choose this, I felt release for the first time in several weeks. I spent time talking with a few friends and I cried a great deal on Saturday am w/ some friends. If there is one thing I’ve learned, it’s to feel your feelings. Get them out and see what they’re made of. And get them out.
This, plus the stress of our business, all piled up this week. I felt a lot of things about our life and Jay and stress. It took me a good day to get back into things as we went to Canada.
On Sunday, I felt more aligned and ready to do what I wanted to do.
One of the people that stays at the inn, he’s from Ireland and loves to surf. He’s about my age actually, late 40’s/early 50’s, and he talked about his schedule and how it’s built around where he wants to surf.
It really, really hit me, that there are people that really live to do what they enjoy. I have not had a fraction of that. I struggle to just get in a few things that I’m interested in. Sitting down and planning something for just myself first, or for me and Jay, wow, that really hit me. It just is where I’m at, to feel that at the deepest level.
I went to town and had an intention in mind of what I’d really like to find if I could. I found all of it. I went shopping for myself first and then at the end, left time for other gifts for other people. I found those also. I wasn’t uptight or anxious. It felt really amazing, really really amazing, to put myself first.
We had a fun evening back at the inn and I made an apple pie for everyone for dinner. It was pretty low key, but what we all wanted I think. We left early. It was just what we needed and what I needed to get my head back in order.
I was surrounded by natural beauty and by art and people that I care about. There’s a vibe there that I just love. It feels like a second home right now after all these years. We think about moving up there someday. I want to have that more here somehow. What would that look like, to bring that vibe here more daily? What would Rossland mountain culture look like here??
I slept really well there. The bed is so comfy. I thought about all the people that had worked to make that 48-hours so restful and amazing. Hundreds of people and several people just right there in the building. We’re part of communities.
I thought this weekend about how much I say no to myself. It’s been necessary at many times, but it also is something that can change.
I’m starting to finally feel ready to have things change. I’m trying to put that out there to the world, to God, and it seems to be coming back in ways that are directing me.
Today I was listening to public radio and several things confirmed the direction I’m trying to go. It was one thing after another. I can’t even remember them all. It got sort of ridiculous at one point, like, I’m getting the message.
It feels like I’m getting into a flow and those messages are coming my way. My pain has been very minimal the last two days. I started more seriously doing Kegels again and it seems to be helping also.
I mainly wanted to talk about feeling like things are lining up and that feels good.
On a harder topic, the stuff with my mom had a new turn today. I met w/ people at the property she’s at and discussed the entire situation. I feel vindicated on many levels with how I’ve tried to handle things based on some information they shared. I am being vague but it just helped me see things more clearly.
I am indeed back home.
On the happiest note, Jay is trying so hard to be caring and listen. I want to respond and ask him questions and not be self-centered but equal. We had a good weekend together. I want to continue to take down my defenses and be committed to being vulnerable and committed. He asks me more questions than I ask him.