I was recently around family where I noticed some of the same behaviors I’ve struggled w/ for years.
I have worked for years to try and weed it out of how I respond to people in general. I tune people out alot, get distracted and in my own world and can be disconnected and distant in ways I thought only other people were. I guess other people’s distracts and disconnections were more pronounced or noticeable.
I spent a lot of time working on better habits in terms of my daily life. Watching other people struggle w/ ADD is terrifying because you see how much time and energy is lost frittering and dissipating.
My current best strategy is setting up a schedule for the day in the morning, following that to a tee as best as possible then reviewing at the end of the day. It really helped a lot in SF when I was surrounded by a free schedule and someone that was going from one thing to the other.
I have been pretty blissed out lately.
It’s been building this fall and as my chronic pain diminishes and things with my parents are more stable, I’m really trying to practice these techniques and adapt how I think every day. I feel like my brain is getting healthy for the first time in a very long time, maybe ever, since I was a kid. So first time as an adult.
I’m not sure what healthy is really. I feel like I’m more connected and happy, spending a ton of time in nature. I’m caring less about all the things I thought I had to do right now. I don’t know if this is okay calm or I just live in a really backwards city calm.
I’ve always struggled w/ the whole thing about fitting in. I can see the intense fashion scene out there and many other scenes for that matter and they can be compelled to consider upping my game. I don’t know if I’m bowing out of cowardice or reverse pride or just saying this isn’t for me. I don’t know yet.
IT FEELS VERY STRANGE TO NOT BE ANGRY.
I’ll say it again: It feels very strange to not be angry.
I like it alot. I feel calm. I am more chill. When people do things around me that aren’t ideal, I just don’t get mad anymore. I try and feel my feeling and then let it pass.
I don’t know about this because I could see myself becoming sort of detached from goals in a way, almost like mentally smoking pot…. like what actually matters anyhow? I’m not angry so that’s a good day for me. Let’s stop there. I’m not in chronic pain anymore, sounds good.
I don’t totally think that’s what’s happening because not having the anger is freeing me to do creative things and things like creating a schedule to get more done and making sure I don’t get distracted.
If anything, the thing that’s still missing is really relaxing and wild fun. I am pretty reserved with my body. I don’t move my body freely much, like when I was a kid. It’s measured even when I’m outside or exercising. That’s kind of weird. I don’t think I’m okay with that level of chill.
I am hoping I can add dance in one of these days and a million other things. I watch other people a lot w/ their bodies, esp people where dance a part of their daily life and culture. Not so w/ us uptight whiteys. We be so thin and fly and so uptight and yeah, tight, and not in a good way. Our bodies don’t seem to flow and have the rhythm other bodies do. I envy that I truly do.
But it’s not the end of the world. I’m trying to embrace where I am today, what my body brought me to today. I’m trying to live into what I’m learning and understanding.
It’s all good. It’s all good.