More mom drama. My brother is helping and running point. I want it to end. Jay wants me to stop caring so much about mom and get on with my life. I’m ready to just see mom once a week and let it be. I’m ready for her to stand up for herself and not be so afraid of the men in her life. It’d sure be nice for all of us. For once today, I got upset but I didn’t get scared, like shaky. I got mad this evening which was weird. I had had a really fun time then kind of ruined it with this story about my mom and the crazy call we had. Jay said he’s also tired of my mom dominating everything and that we talked about it at lunch and also now this evening, effectively bookending my entire day with mom talk.
Meanwhile in the nether regions, I’m still healing from the last series of injections and managing pain there. It’s going okay. I’d like it to be gone by now.
I woke up during the night with a lot of anxiety about alot of things. Mom for sure, my future, my health, my body, friends that I worry are sick of me and don’t want to hang out.
I laid in bed processing that and realizing how sick all that is and started thinking about the truth instead.
I was able to get out of my head enough to get up and do some processing. I realized I need to continuously be combating lies w/ truth once again. My brain is wired for lies and is slowly being wired for truth.
Jay challenged me to spend as much time on my art as I do worrying about my mom or work or anything else.
I’m ready for that too.
He’s a kind man who loves me and wants me to thrive. He’s tired probably of my negativity and I am too.
I’m on the right road. I probably need to up the speed limit.
There’s an employee at work whose dad died a week and a half ago. She’s still working. Her dad died in a plane crash, just like that, and she still wanted to go out and pain tonight. She’s pretty amazing and strong. I need to remember stories like that and keep leaning into my own truth.
I need to fight the negative.
Jay is exhausted waiting for me to break out and do more, meet more people, get into something besides work. I am too.
I’m scared. I tired. It’s been a long road. I am ready. I am trying but not enough. Help.