Lots of thoughts.
I own a business but I take out a lot of trash, still. How do I feel about that?
Last night, at recovery group we talked about enabling vs. healthy helping. I feel like I still enable a lot at work. Time to change that so I don’t feel so shitty about myself at work.
All this sorting at home, all these phases and seasons and lives and people represented.
My mom’s linens from her table settings. My grandma’s hand-sewn mittens and hats and blankets. My kid’s clothing from their childhoods. Some of my own purchases and creations, ends of projects never finished. Purchases no longer interesting.
All of it represents parts of my past lives, much of it rich with meaning. I’m realizing transitioning all of these items represents a major shift.
I’m getting rid of things to make room for another phase of life. The cleansing and also the honoring seems significant. I wish I knew how to do a ceremony or ritual with some other people to mark this occasion and time of life. It feels so solitary to just do it by myself, just sort of melt into another phase of life like the last one didn’t even happen and you have no idea what is coming.
In fact, I have very vivid, wonderful memories of the last phase of life I’m leaving behind and a good sense of what’s coming. I’d love to honor the past and be excited and encouraged about the future, even anticipate it as I transition the past well.
How might I go about doing all this? Why do I have to always be the one to initiate these things?? Ugh.
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I have been reflecting on the holidays as that’s the current topic of conversation with everyone. It goes from, “What do you have planned for the holidays?” to “How were your holidays?” No shame here; just an observation.
So I get to tell people that my holidays were especially wonderful as we were able to spend over a week with our kids at various traveling junctures. I never did break down when they left. I felt like we had an amazing time together, they left, then it was back to work. That’s sort of how it goes. I’m glad I’m more stable and less dependent on their energy to survive. That was definitely one of the goals of therapy.
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Jay woke up crying and spent a lot of time crying today. This stuff with his bio mom is pretty intense. I cried yesterday. I’m glad he is reconnecting with her, but it’s intense. I woke up dreaming about losing a little boy in some water. We were all searching for him and couldn’t find him.
It’s helping him get a better sense of himself, but it’s confusing as well.
On we go.
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I think there’s a chance I have a tear in my hip from the car accident. Some of the symptoms are getting worse, the ones deep in my hip. I felt a sharp pain right after the accident and haven’t had any imaging yet. I’m due to see the doc later this month and ask about imaging. I’m doing some massage tomorrow.
I’m trying to resilient and just figure it’s another step. I’m remembering Tiger Woods a lot actually. He was in such tremendous back pain. His goal with his back surgeries was just to get out of pain let alone play golf seriously again. He’s a walking medical miracle. I can stay tough and just keep pressing forward, not let it get me down or stop me from being completely physically active.
#toughie
On a better note, my pelvic pain is really diminishing. The combination fo doing the Foundation exercises as well as making these diet changes due to seeing the functional nutritionist… I think it’s all adding up. The PT person I saw today thought so too.
I can be very, very grateful for all the providers I have that have been helping me get better. I still have a ways to go though. It can be a long journey until you find what you really need.
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Remember that yesterday, all I could was lay on the couch and watching Father Brown on Netflix. I barely got any chores done at all. Today, I was busy with scheduled meetings and chores and responsibilities all day long. Go figure.
I checked the moon and it’s a new moon with just a sliver of a moon showing. Not much awareness of how all that works. I think more I am just not getting enough protein due to not eating any meat. Had to change that to survive and stay healthy. Meat as a condiment and add in a lot more veggies. Just can’t be vegan like I was hoping with the functional nutritionist saying I need to lay off nuts and seeds and soy.
More, on we go.
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Sometimes, brilliant people are fortunate and have either sought out or stumbled onto a group of like-minded people. I’m realizing though it’s not uncommon historically for people to do their own work in isolation just because it’s burning in them.
Don’t give up doing what I need to do, because no one immediately around me is doing it.
And from Brain Pickings today, a highlight of Maria Clara Eimmart who in the 17th century was creating etchings of comets, planets and the phases of the moon.
Guaranteed she didn’t have a Meetup group to cheer her on.
Stay strong and as Rumi said, “Let yourself be drawn by what you love. It will not lead you astray.”
I’d also add to that, “And don’t let yourself be diverted on that path.”
