I just had a breakthrough moment.
A big one. For me.
Jay has located his bio mom through the DNA service and geneaology site I subscribed to several years ago. It’s a whopping $300/year so it’s not cheap. They’re making a lot of money.
They start chatting via email on Saturday. Today, Tuesday, Jay made plane reservations to go visit her in Hawaii. I’m not going.
We just got back from picking up his mom from the airport. His adoptive mom. The only mom he or any of us has ever known.
I came home from the airport feeling weird. This is really, really weird. This is much more strange than meeting his bio dad last year. He was a sperm donor. He’s a solid guy with a great family. This is very different.
He said he already feels an emotional connection with her. That made me feel weird. I started feeling very weird after we got home from driving his mom home.
One of my biggest issues is I still feel fairly repressed. I am starting to get into this photography stuff with my class. That is starting to scratch that itch. But there is a lot that I’m not doing still. It’s still all buried in there.
What I wanted to do when I came home was sit down with him and have a big talk. Talk about what I can and can’t handle. Talk about parameters and what will be acceptable for all this as it comes into our home and into our life.
I honestly can’t handle him going off the rails with all this, but then I realized, oh, actually I can.
I can because I can’t control him. This is what he’s going to do. I don’t know what I’m going to do but I’m going to handle it. Just like I’m handling the rest of my life.
I have car keys and a life and friends and talents and drive and health and motivation and I no longer live in fear all the time.
If this gets really weird, we’ll talk about it. I am not going to be able to let it come into my life that much. I have given way too much of myself to people, our family, the extended family, our business, friends, the church, etc. I did all this, because I didn’t really know how to have healthy boundaries. They didn’t ask; I just did it. I would do too much and then just sort of explode in anger and rage about all that I felt was going wrong, how I never had time for myself.
Well, here’s another situation where no one is asking you to help. No one is asking you to intervene or take part or do something. This is Jay’s thing.
No one is asking for your control and oversight. No one. No one is asking for your input. Your advice. Your fears and projections for the future.
So for once, I settled into my soul a bit and my mind and remembered all that he’s said about this. His main priority is me and the other women in his life. Even as he is searching for something, he’s still concerned and cares. I can trust him and let him have this experience. Bless it and then stay damn focused on whatever it is that I need to keep doing.
I have found way too many distractions over the years that have kept me sidetracked from the good work I want to do. This would be one other opportunity. His bio mom mentioned maybe we could all come over sometime. I guess they have some property on one of the other islands. I guess right now, I’m just not interested. It’s too much, and the girls don’t need it, I don’t need it. Jay needs it so he can have it somehow I guess. I hope it doesn’t jeopardize too much.
Kay said she’s not sure about all this DNA stuff and the impact on the families. I am hopeful it helps Jay and expands his awareness of himself as he struggled for so long with the context of his adoptive family. The love was there, but not as many connections.
I myself have struggled with our families here mainly due to the political and religious intolerance and conservatism. I am open to other ways of thinking and being and believing. They are very loving though in many ways and that has saved it all I believe.
Lastly, I’m feeling good about being more responsible, more scheduled and more engaged again with life and being responsible. I am getting back into a rhythm of life again that will lead more easily again into something where I can hopefully make money. That feels really good. It’s time and I’m ready for something new in my life that will point me in the directions of interest and help to the world I can be part of.
I’m also moderating my diet based on meeting w/ the functional nutritionist. I have backed off on the plant-based diet with the death of eating seeds and soy. I just was getting tired and not eating enough protein. I couldn’t get enough. So I have eaten some meat the last several days and to me it feels more balance.
I read an article that said the quality of your food and that it’s whole food is more important probably than all plants, only plants. That made sense. I already eat very little in processed foods so it helps. Most of that that I do is when we eat out.
So this was a big breakthrough for me, just letting this go this evening and choosing to not worry and not think of the worst possible outcome then have an argument about that. I just need to keep living my own life and let Jay live his in this area. That’s a really, really big step for me.
It signals that I really want to live my own life more than I want to worry, more than I want to be distracted or caught up in someone else’s drama.
I signals that I have healthier boundaries with the significant people in my life. I will not try and fix them but I also am going to help less.
It signals that I realize it’s not fair to have arguments and discussions on hypothetical situations especially when it’s fear-based and negative. I need to be more hopeful and positive and take things as they come.
These are big shifts for me and ultimately, it makes me feel more like an adult, more in control of myself and less scattered and unstable. I can handle this as it unfolds and will keep doing my own thing while staying connected to and supporting Jay.
Glad it’s never too late to learn.
On a happy note also, had a good massage and hope to continue to get answer regarding my low back and hip issues. She’s the best I’ve seen so far. Lots of stretching and massage and icing ahead. It’s been eighteen long months, and it still isn’t resolved. I hope this is one of the final pieces.