Well, what do you say on a weekend like this?
Jay found his biological mother.
I went skiing by myself on a new ski hill.
We went to a friend’s CD release party.
I’m tired today, Sunday. Really tired. Like, no energy.
I don’t know if I’m fighting something off. I don’t know if it’s from the first full week of really full and busy schedule time for a very long time. I don’t know if it’s the medicine I’m taking. I don’t know if I’m now lazy and can’t do a full week of work without a day off. I don’t know if I’m permanently less energetic.
I do know that I don’t care a ton. Maybe a little panic. But not a lot.
The main thing I think about alot is I want to write about it all.
I want to write about just wanting to be home all day today watching Netflix and doing laundry. Not much else. I want to talk about having adult kids that both called to check on their Dad to make sure he’s okay. I want to talk about being at peace and not having a lot of angst or frustration about my life, just joy and happiness to be alive and a witness to it all.
I’d like to have time to write poems and continue to do art around all I think and feel about all we get to experience as humans. I know I’m experiencing and feeling and seeing a tiny fraction of reality, but I’d like to keep trying to record my reality and in some way, maybe connect with others going through the same thing.
It felt good to be out skiing yesterday by myself. I didn’t really talk to anyone. I was okay with that. I enjoyed spending a little time in the town at the bottom of the hill, hitting a vintage store and also a coffee stand on the way out of town. It was nice to just have a day to myself and not have a lot of pressure to be anywhere.
Jay’s parent discoveries have definitely added a new dimension to our lives. I listened as he talked about his conversation with his mom. I thought about our lives, how things just unfold and you don’t have any real villains even to think about. Life is just complicated.
I do want to continue to improve and get better at things. I’d like to write more and continue to expand and become better educated in several fields. I just don’t know how this will happen as I stare at the rest of my life and ponder the reality of family life and my own health and desire for less work and stress. The idea of learning more and setting goals and moving ahead… the pace I’d need to do things at to accomplish what I’d like doesn’t feel realistic. We’ll see.
Right now, I do quite a bit for the company still. If I did almost zero, that would free up some more time. If I cut out our group, more family stuff, etc., but those are all important things that I’ve invested heavily in. I don’t think I want to stop now.
I’m very grateful we stopped going to church and doing a ton of leadership stuff with boards and committees and all kinds of stuff related to that. I just want to focus on my own art and a smaller group of people.
I’m tired.
I still have this bone-dead exhaustion at times for all I’ve been through. I don’t dwell on it; sometimes it just kind of hits me, the reality of it all. I don’t know. I listen to other people’s stories and somehow they go through a ton of trauma and just keep going. It makes me wonder about my stamina and resilience. Sometimes I think I’m super strong and others I feel like a wimp. Today I feel wimpy. Maybe tomorrow will be different.
We leave this week for San Diego to see friends. We’re excited to see them and get away for a bit though I love this time of year here too. I love the dark and the huddling inside. I need it somehow. I’m glad we got the group together before we leave.
I have some chores to accomplish with my parents as well before leaving. I hope once we get the finances settled, maybe we can just enjoy each other for once. I feel there has been a lot of tension for many years, especially the last two years with all the stuff we’ve had to do to get things squared away. It’s been worse than having a kid; a kid you can control to some degree.
So it’s a week ahead for sure with my classes and learning so much.
I hope tomorrow I have more energy.
I will say, I’m shocked at how much stuff I’m getting done. Our house looks amazingly clean and together. I’m starting to get a few clothes and even some organizing stuff for things to be normal in my closet. It’s been decades since I’ve felt good about all that. It’s been part of the shame and lack of care about everything. So there’s a lot changing with my improved energy and mood.
On the upswing for sure.
Finally, on the first week of the new year, some questions to wonder about from Rohr:
What do you want to let go of in the coming year?
What do you want to give yourself to?
What is keeping you from giving yourself fully?
Much to consider!