Class today was good but a little overwhelming. Still swimming in the deep end w/ all this stretching going on in my head regarding photography. Our next shoot is with people doing portraits. We have to get very serious with lighting and use like four lights. It’s a lot.
It makes sense, and I want to be good at it. But it’ll take alot of time. I’m willing to try and keep working at it.
*****
So very full day today between an intense class and then most of the afternoon at work with interviewing a possible photographer for headshots as well as a meeting to plan events. Jay wisely was in Seattle all day visiting his bio dad and the girls. I’m really proud of him for taking the day to relax and do something different. I think it’s a good way for us to stay in touch w/ them as they are so busy now with their adult lives and responsibilities. It’s a strange world out there that pulls families in a lot of directions. I’m not a huge fan overall of how it ends up for people, but it’s stimulating when you’re young. I find it exhausting the older I get.
I don’t know what it’ll be like for them as adults in Seattle as they get older. I think KT is there for good, as that’s where her hubs wants to be. El talks about moving due to the weather. We’ll see what happens. I wish we were closer geographically sometimes, but it is what it is. I am very glad they are living full, adult lives and Jay and I are doing the same here. That makes all the difference.
I wouldn’t say I feel needy like I used to which is good to finally say and appropriate. I was more clingy and unstable. I wasn’t fully developed myself before I started having kids. I did some growing up when they were growing up and have had significant growth to make in the last five years or so.
So the desire to be around them more feels familial, just like the beauty of living life easily around people without a big agenda. That’s probably what I miss, just easy living with more casual time together that’s random. Our time with them now always largely has to be planned and is pretty time constrained. We all make an effort and it works. I’m trying to be content.
I will take what we have as it’s better than most. Our country is so large and people can move thousands of miles away. Our neighbors just had kids move from here in town to Florida, about as far away as you can move on the lower 48 from where we are. I’m sure they’re not happy. They were literally across the park from their adult kids and grandson. Now, it’s all plane flights and Facetime.
I will rest in today and try to be thoughtful and plan for the future without anxiety. Gratefulness for what is, and some planning for anything I’d like to see change or be different. I think I can get over on day trips more and have the casual time. I’m looking at writing programs and am considering Seattle or SF just to be able to see the kids or my aunt more.
*****
I did one hard conversation with someone today. I made a decision that resulted in the situation turning out not the way I’d envisioned. I realized I wasn’t the wisest person in everything as it unfolded. I made an error in judgement.
It wasn’t intentional. I wasn’t stupid. I was careless, and I was tired.
So there may be some fallout from that, but for once, I am giving myself grace. I’m not catastrophizing. I’m not beating myself up. I’m not blaming myself for everything bad in the world. I am taking responsibility for what I did that wasn’t great, and hopeful the fallout will be minimal.
I’m not perfect. I am owning my poor judgement, but that’s all it was. People make mistakes. I make mistakes. I am owning it and moving on. That’s all I can do.
It feels good to be honest and learn from what I need to change. It also feels good to not feel like I’m a horrible person.
A similar thing happened yesterday. There were kids sitting in the hot tub at the Y with their cell phones. This happened the other day as well. I saw on the rules on the wall that phones weren’t allowed. I thought about it and decided to mention it. They left and put them away, then came back later with their phones.
I just sat there in the water and decided to let it go. It just wasn’t worth it, and I was kindof being a bitch. I thought about it on the way home. Even if I had decided to say something, I could have been nicer, asked them about what they were doing, engaged them. Instead I was just a butt basically, a rule-following older person.
I asked on the way out, and the person at the desk said phones were allowed. So I just let it go.
I realized I was cranky from the whole thing w/ my parents, and this came out on them. I’m also not crazy about how people are addicted to their phones. I just should have let it go.
Same thing though, I just made a mental note that I’d made a mistake and can do better next time. I didn’t trigger myself, go into a spiral of how I suck. It just was a mistake.
It feels good to have perspective and be more realistic about both my flaws and need to ask forgiveness and apologize more legitimately and also give myself more grace.
*****
On this class I’m taking, both kids in my group are younger than my daughters.
It’s been strange to feel this old.
They are nice enough to me, but I sense they feel I’m really old. My overall camera skills are not as good as theirs, and there really hasn’t been a chance for me to demonstrate in any way the skills I have that might be helpful. I take good notes and am organized, but that’s about all I’ve demonstrated.
Jay thought they’d be excited to know someone like me, and I was like, “Why?” No, seriously. I am just sort of old to them. They don’t ask me questions about my life. I’m not in the program. I’m not as tech-savvy as they are. They probably are bummed they didn’t get someone more technical in their group.
So anyway, it’s definitely been interesting.