I started crying today over my mom.
She called yesterday and wanted us to go to dinner at their house spur of the moment. They live forty-five minutes out in the country. I didn’t want to go last night or tonight. I have to parse our time together.
Today, I felt overwhelmed by the situation. I feel I can’t get away from it and only do well when we’re out of town.
I have been trying to compartmentalize things, went swimming, reached out to friends, have been repeating slogans and truths and wisdom sayings and teachings I’ve learned on this topic:
If everyone around you is happy with you, you have conceded much
If there's very concrete ways you can support your parents in their aging needs that's one thing, but you don't need to risk your mental health to try to make them more emotionally comfortable
Moving away from fear allows for a more realistic presentation of reality
The most important part of the staying in the window of tolerance is to stay in the present reality, in the present moment
Parentification- Taking care of parents when they are disordered and you’re young
Feeling good not conditional on people accepting me
I can love people regardless of their response; this is freedom
Take a break when you feel too sucked into something and don’t talk about it too long; that has its own negative energy
My brain is so hard-wired for things to go bad or south. I’m so invested in fixing things that I can’t imagine my efforts just making things better
Insanity: trying to rescue someone who doesn’t feel they need rescuing
So I had my lunchtime breakdown, but somehow wasn’t so triggered that I shut down for the day. Or, I think I’m just getting stronger and I don’t want to allow my false/wounded ego and self to hijack my days. I don’t want to end up at the end of the day feeling like the day was a waste, that I just existed. I want to keep moving my own ball down the court. I’ve been writing and talking this a while now.
I also had an interesting contrast at the Y on this topic. Yesterday, I saw the father of a good friend of mine. He’s 80 and super duper fit and trim and healthy, mentally and physically sharp. Today, I went swimming and it was therapy pool/lesson time while I was there. Then the older gals all ended up in the locker room.
I admire that they go and are active. What hit me today for the first time though, as I listened to them talk and watched them, their experience isn’t the same as my friend’s Dad.
My friends Dad is actually healthy. He strode into the Y with purpose and ease, and probably had a decently hard workout.
The ladies in the pool and locker room were all handicapped in some way. Most were significantly overweight. Their conversation in the locker room was primarily about their ailments, getting around, surviving as a disabled person, etc.
Yes, awesome they are out and about, being more healthy than staying at home. But ultimately, they were all sick in some way or at least disabled. They were struggling. Life and movement seemed hard.
These were two different kinds of experiences for an aging person at the same venue. The ladies were actually all probably younger than my friend’s Dad.
Just a lot to ponder there. I know who I want to be like.
*****
One reason this still feels like an unsafe relationship is this weird state of indpendence/non-independence they live in. They slip in and out of things they do fine and then not. They don’t have a good sense of what they’ve needed help with. They need hand-holding and help in practical ways. I feel too worn out with all that to do much emotional help.