Our new office space is really coming along.
The kitchen will be nicer than ours at home by far.
It’ll be fun to have it to go to and hang out. The energy downtown feels excellent. It feels like we’re growing up and moving up in the world. It feels like we’re starting on a good path.
I just got back from visiting my parents for their monthly well-visit w/ the PA from the insurance company. My Mom has ordered a book on getting rid of diabetes, mentioning that she also is praying that God will heal her but hasn’t chosen to yet.
They’ve also ordered some vitamins for my step-dad’s knees, signing up for quarterly payments and shipments of vitamins.
The octopus is winning.
One of the elder care lawyers I spoke with said that just when she felt she had the octopus contained, another leg would pop up. She’d try to grab it and another would pop up. It’s like Whack-a-Mole, but with much higher stakes.
They are giving money to organizations that aren’t even registered as 501c3’s. They get calls all the time from places trying to get money from them, because they’ve given money to crazy places. They’re being assaulted by the people they think will help save them, save the country.
I just have to make decisions about what I can and cannot do. I just have to decide, then do it and live with what I decide. I’ve only been able to handle so much. I don’t know what I’ll decide about the money stuff. I was waiting to meet w/ the bookkeeper again and make the call about the mailbox. They get the big white boxes from the post office. Full of mail. Junk mail. It’s just unbelieveable, like in the worst possible way.
On the upside, I feel better and hopeful about my life right now. I feel I’m getting over some of my worst triggering, my worst instincts about my life and my future.
I’ve been deeply inspired this week by Dr. Blasely Ford and Tiger Woods, both. Dr. Ford is basically taking on the GOP smear machine and Tiger woods took on his demons. They both stood up to what was holding them back, scaring them. Dr. Ford is paying dearly with death threats, hate mail, hacked accounts. She’s had to move and they have guards, nothing she dreamed it would get to. Her entire life has been interrupted. It’s not what she wanted and yet she’d doing it.
She’s an American hero.
So I need to remember these brave people, and decide what kind of courage is required of me right now in the situation with my parents. If I anger my parents, they could remove me from the gold account, remove me as the executor, remove me from everything. Someone could come in and literally steal all their money. Then when they need help, there’s nothing there.
I guess that’s it.
It’s a good time of growth for me. I feel like I’m getting through this hard time w/ my pelvic flare.
It’s a rough time w/ my parents.
I guess it’s life.
*****
I was reading some of the blog from last summer.
I am putting more of the pieces together of how trauma works, the brain, where I’ve been at.
I’ve felt completely confused and disoriented, frequently, even recently. It’s been diminishing but it still feels present.
This week of all times, I’ve felt more solid, less fragmented. I am beginning to tell what is just my personality and what was the way I used to be.
I used to be afraid of all of my bad qualities. I can be scattered sometimes, but it’s not that bad. I’m not dysfunctional.
I’ve been afraid of everything. With the meditation training, I’ve started monitoring my thoughts more. I’ve been shocked to realize how many of my thoughts are so negative.
I’ve wondered why I haven’t been able to move ahead more on projects. I get stalled out.
Today I was driving home from my parents, and I had a familiar urge to be distracted in some way on the way home. Just stop at that shop you like, buy a coffee, take a break.
I realized what I wanted to do was go home and get busy, write, get a few chores done. I didn’t feel the need to be distracted from my life. I wanted to participate in my life. That’s a change for me.
I hope this fall I can gain a better sense of what’s next, what’s ahead. I hope I can make headway on the projects I already have in mind. I hope I have a sense of what my higher power is wanting these projects best versions of themselves to be.