I watched the confirmation hearing today where Dr. Christine Blasey Ford testified and then Brett Kavanaugh.
I was undone.
When asked what the effects had been on her life of this assault, she replied anxiety, phobias, PTSD-like symptoms, and then more specifically, claustrophobia and panic.
I dropped to my knees and felt a sob escape. I had no idea what it would be like to hear those words, words almost identical to my own diagnosis.
To hear such an eminent woman, educated and successful, speak to the crippling effects still on her life due to this one assault, I felt waves of emotion: relief, disbelief, anger, validation.
I still don’t fully know what this means in my own journey of recovery and healing.
I realized today the full force of how my abuse lasted for over a decade, that I was unable to escape, probably the thing that has haunted me more than anything.
A sense of paralysis.
A sense that no matter what I do, more awfulness is yet to come.
Here, a woman violently assaulted over 35-years ago, still fighting the effects of an event neither man claims to have taken part in.
When I wonder how I’m doing, remember this.
*****
Speaking of drained, doing my first ever colonoscopy tomorrow and tonight is the prep.
Enough said.