Yesterday and today were much better, go figure.
One thing that I am thinking is that I’d like to see what lily pads God is laying out for me each day. This weekend it felt like the botany discussions with JT were definitely a lily pad to hop to. What if there are these things throughout the day that we could grab onto, that is placing for discernment? I need to be making note of those things and then seeing what is happening. I am shocked at how anxious I am most of the time. It is hard to shut it off. Hyper-vigilant. I’d love to shut that off. The meditation helps a bit and some of the things I am learning.
How can I look for the lily pads each day?
We need a larger story to connect to and we tend to feel hopeless without it.
RB needed help with the shower at the Tee’s house. It was confusing for him and he finally came out with a towel around his waist. It was sort of a newfangled faucet and was indeed very confusing. It took me a while to figure out, and reminded me that simple kindness is so powerful. Also stripping the beds in the rooms helped JT and she was touched.
More Rohr from Conspire conference; when we overly react to something, our shadow self is in charge. Also on the Headspace video on meditation basics, observe your thoughts and emotions as they go by. Don’t get caught up in them.
Sign in bathroom in George, WA: “Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.” - Pema Chodron
The reading today by Rohr was about the fact that we need a larger, universal message and story to connect our small selves to. If we do not have that, we ultimately realize how fuitile things are, we give up and feel incredible despair.
We need to fully understand the stories of Christ and that Christ is in and around us in order to align with those larger narratives. We need to have hope. We need models of how to live. That’s what Christ gave us and gives us. Christ lived a redeemed and transcendent life. We have something bigger to follow and to feel like yes, this is what works and how this unfolds. Christ is also bigger than Jesus.
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The thing I do that I hope someday stops, is I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know what I like.
This still haunts me.
If I watch a live band on FB or something, I feel sad. It seems like the happy part of my life, the carefree fun and laughing part, it was so short. Only I think maybe the year I lived with roommates at college and then only then, the first quarter, really.
I feel like I had a childhood with raising the girls. I did many fun things with them but it was always through the lens of being responsible for them. I took many things too seriously, but raising kids is serious work.
Jay is very serious so he just isn’t carefree much. I asked him recently why he wanted to get married so young and he said his religion said don’t have sex outside marriage. I know he loved me but he wanted to have sex. I get it. But also, sad to know that was such a big part. I wish we maybe had dated longer.
So yeah, it feels so buried in there and now at 51, I feel too old for some of these things. But once in a while, something happens and it is there and it feels like it could come out again.
So God, I don’t want to be too serious all the time, trying to figure things out. What would be a good rhythm for that to add in?
Things I’ve considered (eye roll…) drums, guitar, dancing, kick boxing, singing, martial arts, bouldering/rock climbing, handball, racquetball, writing, photojournalims, art.
God help me. I’d love to be carefree again and also have a greater sense of purpose. I sure had that when we raised the kids and embraced their friends. It was work, but very good work.
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RB had his first day at camp today. He’s very, very tidy and organized for a teenage boy. I think it’s a French thing. They raise their kids differently, and probably, much better than what we do overall in America as a culture which is essentially nothing intentional. You’re on your own, families!
We saw a limping deer on the way to his camp this morning. This evening we watched the Order of the Phoenix in French, a first! A good first day of camp week I believe for our visitor.