We picked up RB this morning at SeaTac. We are staying at the Tee’s home in Kirkland. It’s the first time we’ve stayed here. It’s a nice townhome style house in a development close to the water. In fact, I just watched the sunset a bit on the water with everyone and again from the front window.
I am weary of my mind, my head. I tried to meditate this morning with some Headspace stuff before we got going. We argued about the car wash on the way to the airport. Of course, I always feel so overwhelmed and choked in this part of the world. It reminds me of how hard our journey has been, how lonely, how it’s ruined so much of our marriage for me. It reminds me of the wealth we passed up to struggle in Spokane and be near family. I hate our life on days like today.
But then, we have an amazing time w/ our girls. We picked them up and head to Seattle Center and ate together there. We went up the Space Needle, and they were so kind to RB. We laughed and have fun up there, getting the amazing view of the Puget Sound. It’s truly spectacular up there. We took the monorail to Pike St. and then to Zillow where KT works where RB and I played ping pong and ate Zillow snacks, and I felt alive.
I started bouncing, waiting for the ball. I was happy and laughing and joking, feeling easy and happy in my body when we left. I never feel that way. Ever. The girls have joy and happiness in their lives. They have a secret language and stories together the two of them. They are creating their own lives. The love us but we are a small part in terms of time.
We drove back to Kirkland after leaving the girls at El’s. We walked down by the water and I felt oppressed again, heavy heavy heart, the old familiar feeling of not understanding or caring about anything. Being overwhelmed by the city, by the wealth, by our struggles, by our differences.
It has been fun to be around RB and have this young main with us, but again, I feel oppressed constantly by a sense of failure and like my life has never really begun. I feel like I just keep putting life off. I feel sexually repressed. I don’t know what part of me isn’t oppressed or repressed. I don’t want to help get sales off the ground at all, but once again, I have to help. I hate it. I don’t trust our company or anyone. I posted an old article on FB today that I published two years ago. It’s about the cost of being an entrepreneur. A friend posted that he know it’s been an arduous journey and he hopes for fresh wind in my sails. I started crying. I hate this. I hate being so held hostage. I feel like a whore. I feel depressed today, hopeless. I’m tired of people pitying us.
I started taking estrogen a week ago and then have forgotten the last few days. I wonder if that might help. I will start again. I feel really low. I feel hopeless. These are days where I don’t want to wake up. I saw my beautiful girls today and felt happiness and joy, had fun, and then realized, it will end soon. That is why I never look forward to our time together anymore. It is always short and it is too awful to think that this is all I have to look forward to in life. That is not healthy and I can’t handle living like this. This is why I feel I must have some changes or I don’t honestly know what to do with the rest of my life. I am 51. I feel I have been giving of myself to others without many boundaries since I was about 9 or 10 when I started taking care of my mother.
Then I feel the oppression of the ongoing sense that never ends of being lost in time, lost in culture. What is real, what is right? What is a good culture even?
I am so negative. I listened to myself today and yesterday a bit when talking w/ our friends. I believe and talk about all the bad things. Amazon is awful. Being an old parent is awful. Getting things on demand and quickly is awful. Trump is bad. I sound angry I realized. I don’t have a lot of peace or happiness. It is coming out. I don’t sound happy. I’m judgmental because I’m insecure. It’s all I have. It’s been a long day and I’m tired of my brain.
*****
We made it back to the city after driving RB around the east side so he could see things from his very young childhood that he doesn’t remember. He was very tired, had a hard time keeping his eyes open, but was glad for it and took photos.
We drove home and made several stops along the way so he could get out and see things. We barely made it over the Columbia at Vantage before a brush fire closed down the freeway in both directions. We watched it from up on top by the Wild Horses Monument.
We got the young guy settled into our basement guest room and will have a week ahead with him.
I hope I continue to grow and am open to what therapy and whatever I can do will change. I need help.
Highlights:
Time in Canada and Seattle
New guest in the house
Next week:
Make our visitor feel loved
Keep trying to heal
Wild Horses Monument; Vantage, WA