We had group yesterday here.
I made stew and rhubarb sauce. I drove to Moscow yesterday and listened to the Hamilton CD both ways. WOW. I’m so inspired and blown away by the music. It makes me want to do more with my life and really determine what I’m going to do next, what I’m going to do well.
I am enjoying learning more about the founding of the country plus the music and stories, so incredible. It felt incredibly good to be happy and singing. I cut music out of my life for many years. It felt overwhelming which feels strange. It is what it is and has been. I dropped off several clothing items at the consignment place I’ve found in Moscow that I like better than the one in town.
The time with Kay yesterday was really good. I am slowly getting an understanding of what I need to do to continue to calm my brain down when I’m triggered. It has to do with staying in the window of tolerance and when I feel activated, get myself regulated by identifying the emotion, processing the emotion then moving on.
Today I had a few thougths that seem important for the journey.
1. Life is really how I look at it. I have had a fear filter on my whole life, since the abuse and craziness at home started. I look at life with a cautious outlook, hedging, concerned, planning ahead for the next thing that could make me happy, not being in the moment. I want to believe that life is good, that I will look at each day with happiness to be alive and to be part of it all. To live in a country that is free is amazing. This is quite an experiment that we are conducting here in these lands and I want to make it a place people can still be free, to keep what is free about America free. That has to do with freedom of speech, religion, yourself basically, and then freedom of economy, to make a living within the confines of our laws and conduct.
2. I have done a lot of things really, really well. I feel like my small beliefs in my abilities and myself have been really shaken with all this business changing stuff. Jay is really doing a good job and stepping into his own as the president. I’m realizing that I have missed a lot of things in regards to how things should be run and he is seeing that more clearly. It’s neat to see that. But it is sad a bit for me to see how much of what I was doing was a result of being pretty emotionally activated and disregulated, mainly around people’s happiness and people not being upset in anyway. It was really bad, that pressure I put on everything to be calm. It hasn’t allowed for important discussions to occur about growth, productivity, standards, etc.
So it just has been good to reflect on the things I have done well and am still doing well.
Some more thoughts: this thing of focusing on the majors is really important. I just spent an hour cleaning up the kitchen after group and cooking last night and El just called and said she is flying home tonight! So I have been staying up on the laundry and the cleaning and the house is completely ready for her to come home as a result. That makes me feel awesome and very responsible. It is validation that I’m going in the right direction.
Thanks to God/the divine in me and around me for all the good knowledge and truth that is streaming my way. It feels like what I need to keep going and to be strong. It feels like marrow in my bones, like strengthening my actual soul.