PIPER SMALL IS A BLOGGER/WRITER BASED IN THE WESTERN UNITED STATES.

SHE IS MOST INTERESTED IN TOPICS RELATED TO THE HUMAN EXPERIENCE IN MODERN LIFE, FAMILY, COMMUNITY, NATURE, SPIRITUAL PRACTICES, DEPRESSION AND PTSD.

SHE TRIES TO DO ALL THIS WITH AS MUCH HUMOR AS POSSIBLE. 

Trigger Me

There is a lot happening at work. It’s hard. I got triggered this week. I don’t know what I’m moving toward other than taking these classes and continuing to do the healing with Kay and myself.

Jay is reorganizing things at work. He makes choices and decisions I wouldn't, but doing some hard work I also wouldn't.  I am stepping back but am still involved. The conflict wrenches my soul. 

So I don’t know. I don’t want to overreact. I want to control my emotions and be centered in what I need to do to stay healthy and find a new future. This evening I’ve been trying to envision that, what that really is going to look like. I worry that if I don’t do something different soon, before long grandkids will be here and there’s the next 25 years of my life. I love my kids but I don’t want to just have my free time now directed toward them. I want to have something else to structure things around, even if I choose to do more with people or have foster kids or cohousing or consulting or anything. I just feel like I keep falling into things and yeah, I am hopeful for something else but for the life of me don’t know what it is.

So yeah, I was wondering how much involvement I should have in sales and I just don’t think I can do much. I have gone down this road before, tried all kinds of things and schemes, etc. and none of them have really worked. I need to keep coming back to the mantra of letting God running the company and that this is Jay’s deal for the most part. I don’t even feel real confident anymore regarding the culture piece I’m supposedly running but I guess that’s a good learning for me, to be open to change and seeing how to make it better.

I need to go do some meditation and breathing to stay focused and be able to support Jay but not let this take over my head. It feels like some departments are falling apart, and I need to make some suggestions to help but I can’t fix this. This in the past is when I would disconnect from him to protect myself.

I had a sad moment this evening when a friend used my phone to text her partner. Just their loving exchange was sweet, not business-like or sort of formal it seems like ours are. They are madly in love as she says; I think our business life together has made it hard for me to feel that way although it’s better than it was a year ago when I really didn’t want to be around Jay and vica versa. We lost a lot of years and I hope my healing and his can bring some of the promise of joy back.

So I’d say this was my roughest day in the past month in terms of being really severely triggered by Jay and by work. Everyone I think at work is triggered, so we have all of these people right now who are really triggered and being traumatized by the change. I also could be imagining it all due to my completely overreacting mind and body. 

So any thoughts about doing more on sales, yeah, I’m putting that to rest. I just need to move on, do what I can while I’m in the office and in meetings, make suggestions, maybe help on a few accounts that could use extra help, but that’s it. I really can’t do this anymore. While I am very glad for the improved skills with the triggering, it’s unnerving. It makes me sad for a lot of reasons. John is trying really hard. It will be what it will be and he is the one making whatever it is happen.

This from Rohr this week:  

"Death is not just our one physical dying, but it is going to the full depth, hitting the bottom, going the distance, beyond where I am in control, and always beyond where I am now. No wonder it is scary. Such death is called “the descent into hell” in the early Apostles’ Creed, while in other sources, “the pit,” “the dark night,” “Sheol,” or “Hades.” 

We all die eventually; we have no choice in the matter. But there are degrees of death before the final physical one. If we are honest, we acknowledge that we are dying throughout our life, and this is what we learn if we are attentive: grace is found at the depths and in the death of everything."

*****

El made it home last night, and her presence is always a treat. It isn't what it used to be in that the kids around made me completely happy. I still feel numb about most things which makes me sad, and I'm sure affects my time with them. I'm sure they sense it. 

We had a local organization come and pick up our old van fondly named Blue Beast. It's an old passenger van we have used since about 2006. We hauled our trailer around in it, used it for soccer, moving stuff to the kid's college, etc. It's been part of our family, and now it's moving on. The kids both bought cars last Christmas while in town, and it needs more work than it's worth. I'm glad El was here for the transition on. 

El took me out to dinner for my birthday at my favorite restaurant. She knows what I like, and that's pretty special, to have an adult child get you and also care about you. We did a few walks today to parks and had a relaxing day overall, a respite in the midst of the work stress. KT made it home later this evening; family party this weekend. 

I will be glad when I don't depend on friends and family to give me a momentary break from stress. I will be glad when my general life isn't this stressful and doesn't trigger me all the time. What would that be like? 

17 Week 20

Sauce