Went to Moscow today and we did my timeline up until being 30 I think. Starting the Lifespan Integration process in earnest now. I guess we've explored everything else for a while and now it's time.
It was kind of awful. I saw fully how vibrant I was as a kid and how that got squashed mightily in junior high and then has been happening ever since. I remember the vibrancy I felt in grade school with sports, Camp Fire and music, running, craft projects, our family, everything. Then it just slowly started falling apart.
I just sort of broke down at the end and said I feel so, so broken. I just said, I don’t know what to do every day… I have no idea what to focus on. I’m trying to be a new person or go back to an old person and I don’t know how to do that. She said focus on body, mind, spirit and do one thing for each, each day Just do it, don’t think about it or wonder if you should. Just do it. Meditate, read something and do something good for your body.
It feels so awful to be at this basic place of trying to figure these things out. It’s quite painful. I can tell I’m in this middle land of good days and bad days. I can tell at times when I’m triggered but my reactions aren’t the same as they used to be. I feel lost and confused to some degree and definitely it doesn’t help that we’ve made a mess at work and home w/ the garage, all kinds of stuff and so I’m living in this mess. I guess it’s a mess; a lot of people would love this mess so it’s all relative.
The clouds coming home were beyond amazing, amazing. I took many photos and wrote a quick poem while eating and reading Mary Oliver, the book from aunt's house:
Are we still wild?
I think of ancient peoples across lands and time.
I imagine their conversations.
How hard did they try?
When did someone try not to fight?
When did someone try not to kill when a horse was stolen.
How long ago was the first time?
When did it start?
What pool of deep, silent water sent a ripple across time
In my direction.
When did it wash on my shore,
But not my neighbor’s
Who killed my shrubs.
Not the president of a non-profit
Who fired the board chair.
Where is the wetness
That implored me
To not give up
To drink the Love.
And on we go.
I've been triggered all week at work. It was hard work in therapy but still good to leave town.
*****
As I predicted, the president and board chair of the organization I am on the board of are no longer speaking. I talked w/ my friend the board chair and she wisely observed if we can’t resolve these issues, what do we have to offer.
YES. Finally, some clarity.
I told her I stayed on to support her only. The organization has toxic foundations and no one seems to care. It is more like a religious travel club. Not many churches get started, but there is a large number of people who’ve convinced other people to pay for them to do this so it all continues, the machine keeps going. There is a small number of people where I think the work they’re doing is incredibly valuable, so valuable. But it’s small.
The business model is rotten at the core, no accountability, and then the leadership at the top is also not functioning well, healthy, well-trained, humble. Two reactive, somewhat unhappy wounded men. Yep, not my favorite thing.
So who knows. I hear the updates and I’m sad.
That’s what prompted the poem.
That, and dozens of other things.