Tonight I tried doing the Examen app on my phone. I used to do the Examen more, and now I'm trying this new app called Rediscovering the Examen.
There's a series of examens you can walk through that are all different. I did one w/ the acronmyn FACE: fear, attachments, control, and expectations.
There was a question in there that asked about whether I think I deserve things… this dessert, this show, this new blouse, etc. I was like, wow that’s awfully close to home. I do keep giving myself little 'outs' here and there, really afraid often to dive in and commit to something. I guess I’m sort of afraid of that, of the hard work and possibly failing more than I already have. I guess I want to live a more entitled life than is realistic or healthy.
If I am healing enough to do the hard work, I need to do it. I need to make the effort and stop giving myself so many little breaks. I need to love life and work hard, both.
So I keep playing around with these different more meditative practices, and I liked this one.
*****
It's a good thing I keep trying new ways to practice my spirituality because life still feels chaotic and messy.
I'm trying to help find a temporary replacement to manage our marketing campaigns so had a call on that today. Had a call with the board I'm on. Met with our garage contractor. All of these things feel like messes I'm trying to corral and manage.
I'd like to get away from messes that I am thrust into and start creating things instead. I chose to be on the board. I'm choosing to try and help in the marketing transition. I am choosing to help get the garage built instead of it all being dumped on Jay.
I can back out of all of this stuff and will probably drop off the board for starters. Might fire our current contractor and do plan to hand marketing back over to Jay.
I guess I'm making progress. I'm blogging. I'm writing. I'm running.
I just saw a huge truck drive down the street with a sign on the side that I thought said, "Brain Specialists." For a brief moment, I was hopeful they did housecalls. No, it was drain, not brain.
I still need brain help but feels like things improve while others are the same or just getting worse.
It doesn't fully seem like my perspective, and I sure am trying to find that DAMN SILVER LINING.