Okay, flowers are blooming on the bluff, but they aren't sunflowers; they're balsam root flowers. They cover the bluffs with their yellow and green daisy heads, huge plants of light green leaves, all down about shin to knee high. Thousands of them.
It's hard to walk through a hillside and not feel your stress and worries disappear, at least for a few paces.
We had dinner with friends we used to do group with as someone had come to town that we all know. It felt like a reunion of sorts, special for her and all of us. It didn't make me want to be reconnected weekly with everyone, but stirred again this longing to be with more people.
I have much to ponder and think about. The things that are often rolling around in my mind has mostly to do with faith and society and how to live. Who is God and what is it about in this world? What is the best way to live and am I living it.
It seems that community is a strong part of a healthy life and I am a white colonialist so that sort of changes how I’ve experienced this culture. I am on top of the food chain and therefore, community is sort of optional for me. I can afford things that others depend on each other for. Not all things, but some things. We moved back here so our kids could be raised around their families. We have an interesting family and we’re all white so it was a white experience, but one with an extended family component. We wanted them to grow up appreciating their family and also to have that impact them.
I worry about them some being in a big city, that they will lose their interest in their family, but I don’t see real evidence of that so far. Cities can kind of suck you in
It takes a lot of work to retrain myself. I’m starting now to look at this year as a real year of healing and study around healing. I’m trying to spend considerable time each day going over my notes, doing my practice of centering prayer, breathing, trying to start with these baby steps of being present, calming my mind down, stopping the looping thinking, esp. about work.
Tonight at AlAnon, we have a lady that talks a lot. It annoys everyone. She volunteered to lead. I sat there and wondered if I could talk to her afterwards about the fact that it’d be great if she led but she’d have to stop talking. I sat there and realized this doesn’t have anything to do with me at all, that I should be able to keep this in my prefrontal cortext and not get angry, not get triggered. My heart started racing a tiny bit but I was able to talk w/ her at the end of the time and tell her that she could lead but she’d have to stop talking as much as she does. I didn’t get flooded with emotion and it went really well overall.
Maybe I am changing and healing.
When my brain is really overloaded with emotion or I get super confused or distracted, it feels hot, warm, it feels overloaded, like I can’t think. My mid-brain I guess is trying to be in charge of everything that I’m doing and it’s all tainted by these looping thoughts and emotions so that I can hardly think of anything else. Everything I’m looking at in that moment is tainted and colored by the toxicity of my thinking. It sort of ruins your life.
I am getting glimpses of not being depressed, of not being stuck in the spiraling thinking, of being triggered by events to where then I have no control and should just go to sleep.
Last week I can honestly say might have been one of the best weeks I’ve had in years. I have some plans and I’m working those plans. They are very healthful, disciplined and organized, healthy for me mentally and for me physically. I’m getting things done for our family, work, and our life and also for myself. I’m moving the ball down the court in several areas and getting mentally healthy as well.